stripped

God has been literally stripping me of everything lately and while it does NOT feel good, this is the best it's ever been (if that makes sense?). i'm so glad for the Bible and for all the verses that are written on my heart, because Scripture is the only thing making any sense right now, the only thing that i can put my confidence in, the only truth that i can trust. it reminds me that

God is wise: He knows what is best for His children
God is generous: He gives what is best for His children
God is loving: He does what is best for His children
God is good: He is what is best for His children.

be at rest once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. [psalm116:7]

what your time and attention and devotion and thoughts are mostly on reveals where your treasure is - and mine is on so many earthly things. bless the Lord, o my soul, oh Lord my God You are very great... [psalm104:1]... if i really remembered this, all of these things wouldn't matter anymore. when i remember that Christ DIED so i could be with Him ... this truth that used to cut to the heart [acts2:37] ... i realize how far i've strayed from those moments when He was enough.

so even when it feels like everything i love is being taken away and life is continually changing and moving into new chapters -

This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD...
But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
[jeremiah 17:5-9]

welcome to miami (bienvenido a mi, a mi!)

so i'm in miami for a training for Mexico City and i like the adventure so much. Florida is different, there's a breeze, palm trees, many cultures and languages spoken all the time and people assume that I know Spanish (which is awesome!)

new things i've done so far: walked to all of my meals, ate alone, had peruvian food (which was green chicken soup!), saw a shoe shiner, ordered from a menu w/o taking the price into consideration, slept alone in a hotel, stood next to men in their fatigues at the airport and suddenly felt pride and sadness at seeing the American flag...


here are some deeper thoughts from my journal:

"During the flight i heard You asking me 'if you never got married, would I be enough for you?' My honest answer is i don't know - but i'm not sure i'm ready for an intense converstaion yet. My stomach is full of chicken fried steak, eggs, and hash browns, and this soft bed and sunshine are lulling me to sleep. Maybe after dinner...

I can't ignore this any more. Would You be enough? Would i give up my expectation to be married? do i love and trust you enought let go? is my treasure on earth or heaven? Do I want to be devoted to you in body and spirit, without divided interest? Do i believe You are better?
I'm sorry for wishing for a different plan.

Sorry for begrudging selfish thoughts. My life should not be me living for myself but for Your Will - which is that You receive glory and that i am nearer to You. I believe these will come with Mexico...will i trade in my expectation of marriage for this?

In view of God's mercy, offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act or worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

If I let go is it because I want to obey or I know I should?

If I let go because I believe this is merely a test of faith, am I really letting go or saying what I should to pass this test?

Change my heart so I can believe You are better and so I can follow Your good, pleasing, and perfect will."


more to come on the saga that is life...

m.i.r.a.c.l.e.s.

so i'm a bit of a control freak - esp when it comes to money. i have it and i want to keep it. desperately. so much so that i wasn't tithing or giving to missions - just keeping it... "in case"...

as God does, He convicted the snot out of me, forced me to confess to my hmgrp, then proceeded to make me teach the next 4 wks in kids village about money and how EVERYTHING is God's.

but then, also as He does, He began to change my heart. i began to rejoice when i got a check because that meant i could tithe. and He brought disappointment when a friend of mine told me her mission trip was already paid for, so i couldn't support her.



however, there's a big black cloud called Mexico City that looms $13,000 above my head. and the worry and penny pinching has been itching to set in again.

on this past Saturday I had a garage sale with things donated from friends...not only did i meet a woman healed by Jesus from cancer (twice!) and an Indian missionary disowned by his family but who travels and owns an orphanage (hit a little close to home...) - God supplied $906.25 for my trip. which, don't even ask me how, because the only thing we really sold was clothes.

this morning i checked my fundraising account that's online and (not including the garage sale money), He TRIPLED the amount i had had from only 2 days ago. tripled. as in, 3 times bigger. tri-pled.




God has given me over $2000 in the past 2 days ... none from my own doing. it's almost like He wants me to let go of control?

The earth is the Lord's and everything in it. -Psalm24:1

I've been a faithful fan of Xanga for a long time and will continue to post on there, but I find I'm most encouraged when I read about others' thoughts and when I feel I can share my own... so I suppose I've "conformed" to something more "popular" ...

I write for 3 reasons: to get thoughts out of my head, to teach what I'm learning, to share my struggles and God's victories.

but today is a struggle day.



i'm moving to mexico city soon, for those of you who don't know, and my family does not support me. this has hit the fan this week and it's been difficult when God's response is :

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple...In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. [luke14]

a while back i went to World Mandate, a world-wide missions conference. i learned so much from that and i was looking back at my journals - i think it was the first time that i really wanted my family to be saved for their own good (and not just because it would make things easier on me). more and more frequently it resurfaces. more and more it begins to be reality - they don't see the world as i do. the life they live is so so so different. and it's starting to hurt more.

tonight i wrote this during worship:

"in a family that doesn't speak of You
a spiritual vaccuum
in a million similar families
You save one
and ask her to do the illogical...
there are no coincidences"

who am I, oh King, that You would notice me?
You found me
and You saved me from myself
for Your glory

He who has ears, let him hear.