I suppose you could say that we Elizaldes are having a few fiery days of our own.
But that's what chronic illness/pain and medical uncertainty does, doesn't it? It sets everything you took for granted in a whole new light, tests your relationships and your faith, and makes you feel very isolated. Not to mention the other trials of work, church, family, etc that are daily parts of everyone's lives.
(Now, don't misunderstand me, I am aware that my hurts are nothing compared to the pains of many people. I'm blessed to be feeling better now than I have been, to be closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, and to be functioning at about 80% most days. For this I am grateful.)
But at the risk of sounding over-dramatic, pain can do funny things to your mind. It can make you feel self-pity, anger, envy, despair, denial, worry, stress, guilt, and frustrated. And, while I can't speak for my husband, I imagine that living with someone in pain makes you feel many of the same things.
Today as yet another migraine began, I started to feel very "whyyyy meeeee????" and began to read the book of Job. Job complained a lot, his friends were only encouraging for the first 3 verses or so that they showed up, and Job's perspective of God was very much as a punishing God instead of a merciful and understanding God.
But the interesting part is in the behind the scenes of Job 1. God asks Satan "Where have you been" (even though He knows) and Satan responds with his usual "prowling around" answer. God then mentions Job “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”
To me this is shocking - it's like seeing a robber in your home and pointing out where you child is hiding. God's throwing Job into the path of pain, of hurt, of sickness, of loss, of grief.
WHY would God point out Job, knowing full well what Satan would do?
We have 2 choices here: to believe as Job does at the beginning that it's as punishment, or to believe that God had a perfect plan for Job and knew that Job could handle this "trial by fire". The way that God speaks of Job does not seem like an angry Father, and taking what I know of His character in the Bible and in my life, no, I cannot accept this reason for pain. So, therefore, I must accept the other.
This pain is for my good.
He works all things together for my good.
ALL things.
He has a purpose for me, for us, in this.
This trial by fire is meant for my good.
And He has counted us WORTHY to suffer in this way.
He knows we can handle it (not because we are strong, but because HE IS STRONG in us).
So with this, I say YES I AM ON FIRE but
Hallelujah, Praise the Lord.
As the migraines flood my mind with pain, I say "have your way with me".
As my muscles conspire against me and threaten to silence me, I say "here I am, Lord"
As my back spasms and I cannot hold back the tears, I say "You are still good"
