the not-so-incredible-she-hulk

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we can find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside...

it's been less than 1 week of praying for love. and i am so far from it.

whenever i perceive that someone is disrespecting me or frustrating my plans or not going my way i turn into this hate-filled angry person. hatred that sits so deep within me wells up and i turn into an animal going for the jugular with claws out. i'm so filled with meanness. i'm so filled with impatience. i'm so filled with defensiveness and rebellion. it oozes out of me, the not-so-incredible-she-hulk, more than love does (sure, i love my friends and family and those who love me, but what good is that?)


and afterward, when the adrenaline subsides i'm left with the memory of hurtful words, extreme conviction, and the knowledge that i have just glorified in wounding someone else. for something they may or may not have actually done. who wants to live like this?

...It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at every start (mumford&sons)

oh, Lord, teach me how to love!

sowing

Unlike many a Denton wife I cannot sew. I mean, I braved the sewing machine for Javi's Christmas present, but I am not visual enough for that type of creative work. But I'm not talking about that kind of sewing -- sowing, as in gardening. Which I do not to either. (I'm a bad Denton hippie)

People often talk about gaining weight when you first get married. And while Javi and I have focused on keeping ourselves fit and healthy (despite what a personal trainer insinuated today at the gym -- but he can bite me), we have not "let ourselves go" in that area of life.

When Javi and I first started dating (or not-dating to be more accurate), I spent 8 months in detailed, intentional prayer for our relationship. I truly believe that because of God's faithfulness towards persistent prayers (and pray-ers) He has allowed us to walk in much love, gentleness, kindness, peace, joy, self control, and faithfulness. However, now that we are married I have to confess that there's an attitude of a "I've accomplished, I'm married, whew, I'm done now" in my heart. A very wrong attitude.

I've "let myself go". I have stopped sowing.

But today, I was reminded that we reap what we sow. And currently I'm sowing a love for How I Met Your Mother, instead of a foundation for a good marriage.

So here's the game plan - for the next 12 months I will have a focus of prayer. This focused prayer will be based on a characteristic that I want the Lord to produce in my marriage - it will be a fruit of the Spirit, a characteristic of godliness, a necessity of daily life. My hope is that the Lord will continue to bless what He has put together and that He will make it grow.

February is love. <3