I have never been what you would consider strong. Growing up
I was the ridiculously skinny bony girl – not by choice, just by design. When I
went to college, I decided I was going to change that – I was going to work
out. I begin lifting weights and was so excited when I got to 15lb bicep curls
in each arm! I was getting stronger! And then I broke my elbow. Back to square
one.
Throughout college I attempted things bigger than I could
handle. I went to Reynosa to help “build” a house and they put me to work “holding
the wall” and sweeping. Tough work, indeed. But I was okay with that. I wasn’t
strong. I wanted to be; I envied my stronger girl friends, but I knew I wasn’t
built that way.
But other circumstances in my life have caused me to be “strong”.
Constant migraines, neck, back, shoulder pain. Losing movement in my arms and
fingers. A jaw that locks, pops, and dislocates when eating. Popping muscles
that require massage therapists to use their elbows – and even then I say “you
can press harder, I can barely feel that”. Masseuses marveled at my “strength”
and ability to withstand pain – one horrible masseuse even left my back black
and blue and I actually never felt a thing! My response was always – well,
everything hurts all the time, this doesn’t even compare.
Fast forward to my last years of college and first years in
Mexico – when the migraine and jaw pain leaves me broken, in tears and in bed. Keeping
the pain to myself (very few knew the depth of the pain unless you lived with
me – Anna, Kristen, and Stephanie B.) and just silently withstanding. I broke
down once watching Dr House when he talked about the constant pain – just because
someone was able to verbalize what I was feeling – even if it was a fictional
character…
Nowadays, the pain is winning and affecting my voice. This
season of life, I’ve seen 4 different doctors – from ENTs, Voice specialists,
and Vocal therapists – and no one could find the reason why my voice was
leaving me for 7-8 days at a time and causing excruciating pain. It became just
part of the pain I was silently dealing with – except now it’s affecting my work
and relationships. The 20-year old
DENIAL part of the process was finally over, and it was time to move on to
ANGER, BARGAINING, and sadness. This season has been a pendulum swing of prayer
begging God to make the pain stop and shaking my fist at Him reminding him that
“I’m so young and I don’t deserve this”.
I found a chiropractor (I really just wanted massages
covered by my insurance) who seemed to be very honest and who actually
UNDERSTOOD about my voice issues through his personal experience. The xrays
came back this past week – and it was bad news. It’s probably not fixable, just
manageable. I’m actually at a 25% impaired level in my left neck and my lower
back is messed up too (surprise!). And for the first time in my life, people
are saying “You’re a strong woman”.
It’s an overwhelming time – it’s a scary time. But unlike
before, when my identity was “Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m fine, it’s just
what I have to deal with”, I CAN NOT LET my focus and identity be found in my
pain. I REFUSE to be the “Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m in unending pain”
girl. My identity HAS TO REMAIN in Christ – I am His daughter and He will never
ever leave or forsake me. He understands and felt horrible pain too – and He
has (oddly) orchestrated this to make me into a STRONG WOMAN. Not strong enough
to withstand pain, like the doctors mean to use it, but strong enough to trust
in my all-powerful God that this is for my good. Strong enough to serve my
husband when I can, and strong enough to receive his servant-heartedness when I
cannot. Strong enough to trust God with the doctor’s bills. Strong enough to
remain humble and faithful , walking in this season towards ACCEPTANCE through
obedience to the path God has laid at my feet.
My prayer is that people would not look at me and say “She’s
a STRONG WOMAN” but instead “How strongly does God love her that He is helping
her walk through this without bitterness or anger”. And, if we’re lucky “How
big is our God that He has reduced her pain and sliding vertebrae!”
