A STRONG WOMAN

I have never been what you would consider strong. Growing up I was the ridiculously skinny bony girl – not by choice, just by design. When I went to college, I decided I was going to change that – I was going to work out. I begin lifting weights and was so excited when I got to 15lb bicep curls in each arm! I was getting stronger! And then I broke my elbow. Back to square one.

Throughout college I attempted things bigger than I could handle. I went to Reynosa to help “build” a house and they put me to work “holding the wall” and sweeping. Tough work, indeed. But I was okay with that. I wasn’t strong. I wanted to be; I envied my stronger girl friends, but I knew I wasn’t built that way.

But other circumstances in my life have caused me to be “strong”. Constant migraines, neck, back, shoulder pain. Losing movement in my arms and fingers. A jaw that locks, pops, and dislocates when eating. Popping muscles that require massage therapists to use their elbows – and even then I say “you can press harder, I can barely feel that”. Masseuses marveled at my “strength” and ability to withstand pain – one horrible masseuse even left my back black and blue and I actually never felt a thing! My response was always – well, everything hurts all the time, this doesn’t even compare.

Fast forward to my last years of college and first years in Mexico – when the migraine and jaw pain leaves me broken, in tears and in bed. Keeping the pain to myself (very few knew the depth of the pain unless you lived with me – Anna, Kristen, and Stephanie B.) and just silently withstanding. I broke down once watching Dr House when he talked about the constant pain – just because someone was able to verbalize what I was feeling – even if it was a fictional character…

Nowadays, the pain is winning and affecting my voice. This season of life, I’ve seen 4 different doctors – from ENTs, Voice specialists, and Vocal therapists – and no one could find the reason why my voice was leaving me for 7-8 days at a time and causing excruciating pain. It became just part of the pain I was silently dealing with – except now it’s affecting my work and relationships. The  20-year old DENIAL part of the process was finally over, and it was time to move on to ANGER, BARGAINING, and sadness. This season has been a pendulum swing of prayer begging God to make the pain stop and shaking my fist at Him reminding him that “I’m so young and I don’t deserve this”.

I found a chiropractor (I really just wanted massages covered by my insurance) who seemed to be very honest and who actually UNDERSTOOD about my voice issues through his personal experience. The xrays came back this past week – and it was bad news. It’s probably not fixable, just manageable. I’m actually at a 25% impaired level in my left neck and my lower back is messed up too (surprise!). And for the first time in my life, people are saying “You’re a strong woman”.

It’s an overwhelming time – it’s a scary time. But unlike before, when my identity was “Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m fine, it’s just what I have to deal with”, I CAN NOT LET my focus and identity be found in my pain. I REFUSE to be the “Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m in unending pain” girl. My identity HAS TO REMAIN in Christ – I am His daughter and He will never ever leave or forsake me. He understands and felt horrible pain too – and He has (oddly) orchestrated this to make me into a STRONG WOMAN. Not strong enough to withstand pain, like the doctors mean to use it, but strong enough to trust in my all-powerful God that this is for my good. Strong enough to serve my husband when I can, and strong enough to receive his servant-heartedness when I cannot. Strong enough to trust God with the doctor’s bills. Strong enough to remain humble and faithful , walking in this season towards ACCEPTANCE through obedience to the path God has laid at my feet.

My prayer is that people would not look at me and say “She’s a STRONG WOMAN” but instead “How strongly does God love her that He is helping her walk through this without bitterness or anger”. And, if we’re lucky “How big is our God that He has reduced her pain and sliding vertebrae!”