shady business

I've always struggled with the concept that God loves me. or that He likes me -- I typically think of God as that family member who loves me bc He has to but not because He really likes me. I know this is not true and completely opposite of His character, so I decided to read Scripture to discover His loving character. And where better to start than in the Old Testament?

So in Genesis you have murderers, cowards, braggarts, deceivers, liars, doubters, passive husbands, greedy controlling wives, quarreling brothers, envious people, rapists, and did I leave anything out? Basically, it's shady. People are shady. There is no one who is righteous. Not one.

At one point I found myself getting so frustrated with God when I kept reading about how Jacob was tricking everybody and I said "God, why do you keep blessing him? He's so SHADY!!" -- and in that moment I felt like the metaphorical mirror was lifted to my face and I realized "why does He bless me? I'm so shady too!" - Then I quickly repented and said "thank You" about a 100 times.

But it just goes to show I have much to learn. My pride keeps me from seeing the ugly in me; and when that's lifted I keep doubting God's love. But how does God respond in all of this? Compassion, listening, speaking, teaching, rebuking in love, clothing, saving, protecting, guarding, generosity... He loves the shady characters. He meets them, wrestles with them, calls them out and makes them more mature. They become someone different, He changes their names. They die wiser and more aware of God's nature and person. They die blessed.

s.u.b.m.i.s.s.i.o.n.

stephanie, i only hope my blog can be as transparent as yours.

I'm preparing to get married and with that comes the plans and details of two weddings, the details of the civil wedding, the premarital counseling, the book reading, the culture compromising, and of course the time with the Lord who is preparing my heart.

a while back He showed me just how prideful i am. i say this with a certain amount of hatred as i think about it - i think i know better than God and therefore i don't need Him. i wasn't praying unless i wanted something and i thought the Bible was too boring to be worthy of my time. praise God that He woos us back to Himself and doesn't let us run our own way.

let Thy goodness
like a fetter
bind my wandering heart to Thee

Now as i ponder the meaning of love, of submission, of authority, of responsibilities of marriage i realize that this too is a demonstration of my pridefulness vs my humility. Am i willing to submit to a man? to follow his decisions? to trust that the Lord is leading him and guiding him into what will be best for us both? Am I humble enough to bite my tongue when all I can think is "I told you so!"? Am I able to respect a human man and follow him when I struggle with doing so with a perfect and wise God? It's true though that this is a heart issue and that I'm not alone. The fall of man made sure that the husband would rule over the woman and the woman would want to fight back. I sometimes bristle at the thought of "submission" but it's truly because of my own prideful sinful heart.

The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

How beautiful would our marriage be if I, instead of clinging to my own way, submitted myself out of respect and love for my husband and we could honor and reflect God's way of doing life to those around us? How lovely would it be, how glorifying, for others to see a new way of marriage and to question and wonder about the ways of Christ! Truly our purpose is to glorify God, and to think that my humility (along with the work of the Holy Spirit) could be a catalyst towards the softening of someone's stone heart to the things of Christ... what an honor, what a responsibility, what a hard task lies before me and my extremely prideful heart...

This is how we know what love is:
Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.
And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

mercado

I walk down the crowded streets filled with swerving buses, honking cars, teenage lovers on a bench, homeless men sleeping in the shade, and older woman congregating to talk. As I enter into the mercado (market) I am bombarded with color and sound - red, green, and blue tarps protect the fragrant and exotic fruits from the warm sunshine. The flowers are in full bloom and are being thrust upon me by the workers persuading me to pay $2 for the fresh batch of roses that smell so good my knees get a little weak. The reggeaton music blends with the 90s american pop blasting from opposing stereos in a decibel war; where nearby an old tired man sells parrots hopping from perch to perch. Everywhere I walk I'm surrounded by people offering me their goods and a smile comes to my face every time they call me "huera" (white girl) or "reinita" (princess/little queen). I walk slowly through this cocktail of senses drinking in the baskets of blackberries for $1, the perfect plums, the sweet oranges, the strange fruits that look like small cherries but I can't pronounce their names. The variety of chiles, red ripe tomatoes, and mountains of green limes catch my eye as my ears hear the squeaking of the tortilla machine, cranking out beautiful corn tortillas from the hand-made masa the old woman has spent all morning preparing. The cacti are being de-spined, lines form, food is weighed, people negotiate and coins are counted as mothers and grandmothers alike rush home with their treasures to feed their families.

(not my picture)

Just another day in the mercado.

my spiritual state is not so far from Israel

Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands... He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years.

Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery...You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth...

timing.

tick tick tick tick.

the whole earth revolves around this thing called time. even moreso in our culture.

school schedules are to the minute.
cars speed by as if running out of time.
calendars are filled weeks in advance.
friendships are planned or they dissolve.

and weddings must occur.

we are getting married twice, once in mexico city and once here in texas. (mckinney, to be exact). we have to coordinate flight schedules, work schedules, driving times, decoration times, and venue and photographer schedules -- not to mention legal processes and all the fun that that entails.

horror stories of immigration have been coming our way, along with many critical opinions about when we should/shouldn't get married. but you know what? the most important thing isn't their ideas of timing, nor ours. but the Lord's.

He holds everything in His hands.
He sustains everything with His words.
He plans every moment of our lives.

so, i choose to rest in His times. His plans.

peace in the chaos

Therefore be strong (stable, established) in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand (hold up, continue, persist, endure) against the devil's schemes (trickery, methods). For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground (resist, oppose) and after you have done (have prepared) everything, to stand.

There is a whirlwind around me.

Of stress.
Of tension.
Of big decisions.
Of unattractive circumstances.

However, the peace I feel (when I pray for it and quietly sit under the Lord's promises) is amazing. Sure, my body is feeling the stress (especially in my back and neck, ow!) and I feel tired, but that's life.

All I can do is pray - listen - obey - and rest. In the obedience comes the rest, the peace, the ability to exhale. Because I know that I'm doing what the Lord is asking of me for this moment, for this day. And I'm depending on Him to help me do it. His yoke is light.



I run in the path of Your commands, for you have set my heart free.

In your anger do not sin; when you are in your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord...I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

He has shown you, o man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.