Silenced

So I've been considering writing this post for a while and today, home from church bc of pain, sitting outside watching my husband plant a tree, now seems like a good time.

In September, as I was teaching my class, something popped in my voice and I immediately had shooting pain in my throat and voice. I also immediately lost volume and range of pitch. It was scary and weird...after a week of this, I went to Dr #1. We did a scope on my vocal cords and nothing was unusual. After a month of constant voice pain and limited vocal function, I called him again and he recommended me to UNTs speech and voice center. Scope #2 was emotional bc I felt frustrated that I had lost my voice just before this appt after waiting a month for answers. We saw diff things in my vocal cords this time, mainly large gaps and possible polyps/nodules - which they said could possibly get smaller, but are never healed. I knew that the wait list for vocal therapy was months long but my case worker is the supervisor so she said "I'll see you next week"

After more episodes of losing my voice completely for 6,7,8 days I was looking for another opinion. I was recommended to "THE" voice guy of Dallas and they got me a quick appt. without any scopes he suggested that this was due to a flare up of the cold sore virus which can affect your nerves and cause vocal cord paralysis and weakness. I got some steroids (which offered my first voice pain reprieve in 3 mos) and some cold sore mess (which did nothing).

More time passed, more pain, more loss of voice, my Vocal Therapist suggested a 3rd opinion. Doubtful and feeling a little jaded, we went, again getting an appt soon. Dr. Mao was amazing - he listened, he asked my WHOLE medical history and wanted all the details. This vocal cord scope showed nothing that we had seen months earlier (yay!) which led his to believe that this is connected to all my crazy neck/back/TMJ/migraine issues. He suggested that the chronic tension and pain in my upper body is effecting my neck and constricting my voice box and therefore causing this problem.

He said a scary word FIBROMYALGIA - and suggested seeing a rheumatologist as well as continuing my yoga, stretching, relaxation, massages, and finding some muscle relaxers. Basically get rid of stress and make your body calm down. Which is stressful for a Type A person like me - Relax!! Relax now! Do it!

This is where I find myself now. Often silenced, in pain, unable to sing, unable to talk in aloud restaurant, avoiding phone calls, wiping tears from my eyes, and a little scared of what a rheumatologist might say.

But, in the midst, I see the sweet hand of my great big God. Quick appointments, moments or even days with lowered pain levels, my servant-hearted husband, prayers of friends, puppy kisses, learning sign language to continue worship without a voice, His strength getting me through, His voice saying He has done this for a reason, He who hears me even when I'm silenced, giving me the ability to persist.

This is my prayer in the fire
I weakness, or trial, or pain
The is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame -hillsong