Mayita pt 2

See Part 1.

Which is why, saying goodbye is so darn hard.

She hugged me that morning. She leaned in - hard - and relaxed in my arms. There was an urgency about it. I whispered that she would be okay, we would take care of her, I'd be home soon, but I had to go. I had to go. And the guilt of that moment...I left her when she begged me not to.

4 hours later I came home. She was falling over, disoriented and scared. My mind couldn't process what I was seeing. What was happening? You were fine this morning. Maybe not fine...but not like this. She ran past her food bowl - which was still full from the past 12 hours of not eating - and begged to go in the garage. The dog that hates the car, was ready to go.

The vet saw her wobble. Saw her fall. Saw her press her head so hard into the wall, and into my hand covering the wall. She lifted my sweet girl, put her in my car, and said 'go, go now'.

I drove as calmly as I could to the emergency neurologist. When hysteria rose up in me, I chastised myself loudly and kept driving. We arrived and she screamed. I got out and saw her, body contorted in the backseat - unable to control her movements. She looked into my eyes, and had her first seizure. I'm so sorry I couldn't help you. It was terrifying.

The tears came then, as they swooped in and carried my girl straight to the back. I called my husband who was already on his way - "it's bad" I choked out between sobs. What was happening?

After an initial consult we drove home, quietly, still in denial, waiting for the neurologist to call back and say "it's just an infection, here are some antibiotics, it's going to be okay". Those were long hours. It's going to be fine it's going to be fine she's going to be fine. The phone rings. Bone tumor. Pushing into her brain. She will not recover. You were supposed to be fine

Can we bring her home for one last night? This can't be happening. I held you in the car. I whispered in your ear the whole way. 

We made a floor bed for us all, covered with your favorite blankets and laid you down. We took turns laying with you and getting ourselves ready for bed. You couldn't walk anymore. Your eyes were so big, so scared, so terrified. We got you, baby girl, we're here. We talked to her all night. Told her about her adoption, our funniest stories, her mischievous moments, her skills as an escape artist, how much we loved her and we named every person we could think of that loved her too. We barely slept between our words and our tears.

We had hoped for more time. More hours. More minutes. But as the sun rose, 24 hours later, we looked into your eyes, and realized that you could no longer move. Our time was up.

Mayita pt1

If you didn't know I had a dog, then you're a stranger. Welcome.

In February of 2011, we got a puppy. We named her Maya - you can read about it here. http://shelle399.blogspot.com/2011/02/maya.html

This pup brought joy and laughter since even before she moved in. We were like a sitcom of don't-know-what-they're-doing-first-time-dads except this was a dog not a baby and I was extremely attached already. We probably broke every one of Cesar Millan's Dog whisperer rules, but we picked the best dog there was. And obviously the cutest. http://shelle399.blogspot.com/2011/03/you-know-you-own-dogpuppy-when.html

Life goes on, day by day, and you get into a new normal. A normal when you don't have to bend down to pick up food, you just say MAYA! and she comes running. When midnight bathroom trips are routine, your schedule revolves around making sure you're not gone for too long to let her outside or to eat, and you get suspicious when the house is silent for too long. When every song lyric gets changed to something silly about your dog and she has her own little "theme song" that only you know. There's a mutual celebration every time you walk through the door, with talking and barking and snuggling and running - and you forget that most people don't get this when they come home.

A normal when you're NEVER alone because there's always a furry companion underfoot to listen, to hug and cry with, to play and walk with, to sleep with.
Your pup becomes family. She shows you unconditional love. She shows you what it's like to be a master, a caretaker, a good and faithful steward of what life has been given into your hands to cultivate. http://shelle399.blogspot.com/2014/02/you-are-my-master-and-i-love-you.html

Your pup teaches you important life lessons. http://shelle399.blogspot.com/2014/08/fences.html And if you're lucky gives you a million sweet pictures and memories along the way.

My eyes only

(Sitting down to write this I realized a) the last time I sat to write was almost 6 months ago and b) it's about a very similar topic.)

Does the OCEAN exist?

What if you told me about this large body of water, so large that one could not see the end of it, and you told me it was the ocean? What if you said it had waves so powerful they could sweep a man off his feet? What if you told me this unfathomable body of water was beautiful, deadly, and unending?

And what if I said - nope. You're wrong.

I've never seen the ocean, therefore it doesn't exist.
I've never experienced waves like that, therefore they don't exist.
I've seen hints of it, rivers and lakes and creeks, therefore you are just exaggerating to make a point.
That picture, that video, comes from a media source which is just blowing it out of proportion to sound more extreme than it really is - there's another side to the story that would prove you wrong.
No one around me in my town, street, or neighborhood has seen the ocean, therefore you and the people who say it does exist, are all wrong.

You would call me a ridiculous, ignorant, and arrogant FOOL.
Since when did ultimate truth depend only on my eyes, my ears, and my personal experience?

Yet this is exactly what we do with racism/racial discrimination/racial injustice. 

I've never seen it, therefore it doesn't exist.
I've never experienced it, therefore it doesn't exist.
I've seen hints, maybe, but you are just exaggerating.
That picture, that video, is just blown out of proportion to sound more extreme; there's another story that would prove you wrong.
No one around me has seen it, so you and all of the people who say it does, are all wrong.

When thousands and thousands are protesting in the streets, can I possibly say racism/racial discrimination/racial injustice DOESN'T exist???

***

I think, in wake of what's been happening in our world lately, it's time to stop denying the existence of something so big, unfathomable, and obvious. To do so is as ignorant as denying the ocean. It's time for people with no personal experience (myself included) to admit that we don't know everything. It's time for people who have never looked into the abyss to speak only from a position of validation (yes, I hear you), empathy (I feel your hurt and frustration), and humility (I don't know, please tell me).

MLK & Racism today

Teaching Kindergarten, there are a few units I don't like teaching. Stephen F Austin (Texas stole Mexico and killed everyone, hooray, he's a hero!), measurement (boooooring), and Martin Luther King Jr.

You see, every year I have a hard time articulating the depths of racism that was rampant in his lifetime in a way that a 5-6 year old can understand. How can you explain that hatred? That ignorance? That cruelty? How do you do it tactfully, accurately, and appropriately (and without nasty parent emails)?

Then I see the faces of my kids as I struggle through difficult waters.
Shock.
Awe.
Confusion.
Disgust.
Hurt.
...and it warms my heart.

With tears in their eyes, they whisper "but that's not right" with such confusion that it encourages me. It seems so clear.

My kinders cannot fathom a world that existed just 60 years ago. They cannot fathom discrimination. Their little minds don't have room for the idea of racism. Of making someone to be LESS just because of skin color.

They may be 5 years old, but they know more than many adults do.

Martin Luther King Jr made my classroom possible: "I have a dream that one day right here in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers"

So what are we doing wrong?

Injustice still occurs. Racism still occurs. I believe that we are still so broken that we carry prejudices based on skin color.

But I believe that this is LEARNED.

-- parents, what are you teaching?

2014 Recap

Aw yes, the  blog recap of the year! I was going to try to list all of my favorite moments of the year but then I realized that my favorites were not necessarily because they were "awesome feel-good" moments; these are my favorites because in these moments God revealed Himself to me a little deeper, a little greater, and a little closer than before.

*note: these are in no particular order bc that's too much pressure

COMMUNITY

These girls - because it's almost been 10 years. Through thick and thin, these girls have been my community and I love them. Even though this year one of them moved away and we cried a lot - I still praise the Lord daily for them. 

Over the course of these past reflective days I've been moved to tears as I've thought about our new church and the new friends, community, and accountability we have found. Not to mention a church that loves missions :)

(pictured here: our first accountability group + Javi hiding from the tornado!)

NEW ADDITIONS

Baby J came home this year!!! I've loved these 2 for many years and had the privilege to pray for, cry with, long for, and celebrate with them throughout their adoption process. We love you, Kai Samuel!!

What do you say when one of your best friends tells you she's pregnant? Get super excited because she's going to have the most beautiful baby ever. Case in point - Amelia and her little tongue!!

MEXICO

Being able to say goodbye to this beautiful woman was a privilege. 

Continuing to love on this not-so-little-one has been life-changing. Compassion International has changed both of our lives forever and I love seeing the kind, soft-hearted man Eduardo is growing up to be. 

Spending time with my nephew was life-giving and so much fun. I'm glad he actually knows us now! Here's to more superhero afternoons and trips to the aquarium!

And we cannot forget the rest of our Mexico "family" - how beautiful it is to have community in multiple countries and languages! They were so sweet to organize a surprise party for us - les queremos mucho!

HIGHS

Having Fernanda stay with us for a month really made us realize how much we'd love to continue opening up our home to others. 

Celebrating my favorite man and making him feel special. 

Oh Jason Mraz. You were my favorite 2014 memory.

LOWS

These 6 screws and metal plate in this little leg caused a lot of hard conversations, budget strains, and emotional stress. All because of a squirrel. But the Lord was so kind to us throughout the whole procedure - helping us emotionally, providing financially, and guiding us to a cheaper yet still good surgeon. 

 When I woke up from a car nap to see us spinning out of control across all lanes of freeway traffic, it was clear we were NOT in control. Thankfully we hit only 1 car where no one was hurt, were not t-boned by passing traffic, walked away with no cuts bruises or broken bones, and had a totaled car that could still drive until we could get it into the shop. Insurance paid for EVERYTHING (seriously, thank you AAA), including my immediate back pain that had just undone so much of the healing that had been occurring over the previous year. But even in it all, God provided the money and the CLEAR guidance about buying a new car. Overall, it was a really cool experience and good lesson about praying about EVERYTHING.

My body continues to be temperamental - with good days and bad ones -  but this has been a year filled with understanding what the Bible means when God says that His grace is enough. Instead of beating myself up emotionally about my lack of physical strength, learning to accept it, learning to praise God in it, and learning to not let it lead me to despair has probably been the coolest lesson this year. I didn't do it either - it was really a heart change of which I was a passive recipient.

Loved you 2014, Here's to 2015!

Weddings - Regrets and Recommendations

I've been married 3 times. (or perhaps more accurately, I've had 3 weddings to the same man). My husband's job is wedding photographer so let's just say I know a little bit about weddings.

Yesterday while we celebrated our anniversary weekend (yes, I get a whole weekend bc I had a lot of weddings), I began to confess some regrets I have about our wedding(s). *don't worry, I don't regret the groom!*

I began to mention that I wish I would have hired a DJ or remembered to ask for a bustle so our wedding coordinator wouldn't have to literally sew the dress onto my hip in the middle of the reception. How I wouldn't have had alcohol on the plane (alcohol + altitude = yuck) or how we would have remembered to have someone save us some cake (no cake!! 4 years later we're still upset!). He mentioned that he would have spell checked the cake to make sure my name was spelled correctly.

But then it dawned on me, these - while not ideal "pinterest" memories - these are some of my favorite moments. I love laughing about "that time when my wedding dress caught on fire" or "when the drunk mariachi man threatened to punch you in the face". "Remember when..." has become a favorite anniversary game and those picture-perfect-pinterest details really would have stolen years of laughter from us.


So with that being said, here is my advice for those planning a wedding:

- INVEST. Yes, I know, wedding stuff is super expensive and overpriced. But a good DJ will make people dance and laugh and join in. An ipod does not. Similarly, a ood photographer will be sure to capture ALL of those favorite moments for later reflection. A "friend with a camera" may have to leave early and you may only get 50 or so photos (most of the backs of people's heads or blurry).

- EAT. You never know if it will be your only bite.

- ENJOY. I wish we wouldn't have raced out. I wish we would have taken more time with our friends to laugh, to dance, and to take it all in. Forget your schedule. Forget the traditions. Forget the honeymoon. You will only get 1 wedding day (well, unless you're me), so take your time to enjoy.

Fences

Our culture tells us to "do what feels good". "As long as it makes you happy" has become a mantra many use to justify all sorts of things. And the problem with this is my dog.

Yes, my dog.

You see, we rescued our dog from a shelter. We brought her into our home and have loved her (ridiculously so) for years. With us, her masters, she has never wanted for anything. We have put fences around the backyard - limits, boundaries - setting where she can go and where she cannot. This fence is for her own good. For her protection.

In her little mind, however, these boundaries are restraining her freedom. So she works hard to break through it. Sometimes with outside help (I'm looking at you neighbor's dog), sometimes all by herself. When she gets what she wants, she thinks she's free, and she begins to run throughout the neighborhood.

In streets.
In dirty canals.
In backyards of others.
Crossing paths of cars, strangers, and unknown dogs.

As her masters, we know the dangers. This is why we put up boundaries, for her protection. And she, in her "freedom", has put herself at the mercy of the world - which as a neighbor pointed out "is not going to end well".

So we wake up frantically, we leave work in a hurry, we leave before dinner is served and we chase after her. We bike and walk and drive around, calling her name until we are hoarse. We are committed to bringing her home. We pursue her.

When she is found, there is joy. We bring her home. She hangs her head low. Grateful but ashamed. She's hesitant to come through the door because she is covered in mud, fleas (thanks again neighbor dog), and she stinks. But we coax her, give her water, clean her, make her like new again.

And we fix what is broken.

***

You see, the problem with my dog doing whatever she wants is that it is sometimes outside of the boundaries we, her wiser masters, have placed around her. The problem with doing what "feels good" is that it is a false sense of freedom, riddled with dangers that she cannot possibly comprehend.

True freedom is here, inside the fence.
Where we are loved and cared for.
So let us look to our Good Master today and everyday.
Let us thank Him for rescuing us and inviting us into His family.
Let us thank Him for pursuing us, calling after us, and cleansing us when we mess up.
And let us sit at the feet of our Good Master, content just to spend time in His lap instead of pursuing our own self.