Layers

New blog layouts. New outlooks. New daily habits. New life seasons.

So for those who may not know, here are the current layers of my health.

- much much much pain for many years, endure it, even when it gets worse
- jaw doctor - you have TMJ
- orthodontist - you need braces
- voice specialist(s!!!) - you have polyps, nodules, vocal cord paralysis, i don't know what's wrong with you, do vocal therapy
- chiropractor - all of your chronic 20+ years of pain is connected, i might be able to help (Dr. Howell is amazing btw)
- orthotics in shoes - no more feet/knee pain!
- physical therapy & trigger point shots & adjustments - greatly reduced pain! less migraines! getting stronger!
- pain flare ups - at chiro's suggestion I begin to look at inflammatory foods
- cut out gluten - greatly reduced inflammation in my body!!

It seems to me that the human body screams of a Creator God - no way all of this is connected without Elohim directly involved - as well as the sin of man - pain, tears, brokenness, interrupting the perfect harmony our bodies were made to be in. And for me, this journey towards health and introspection has been like uncovering layer upon layer. Once one thing is discovered, there is another part of the puzzle that is missing, another thing to sort out. Once the gluten intolerance is lifted, my migraine symptoms change and there's another thing to pray about and seek wisdom on. And while I'm hopeful for doctors, medicine, new diets, and home remedies can do, I have a new reality now. I have gone through denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and now - acceptance.

I will never be pain free.
And Jesus will help that to be okay.

I know that my story is less severe than many others - but every day I'm walking this, relying on my husband's servant's heart, good perspective and laughter to get me through. Every day I'm dependent on the strength from Jesus to get through or to lie down, to serve or to be served, to enjoy a walk or praise through the pain. Every day I'm balancing complicated layers of many symptoms and real-life responsibilities such as work, chores, and relationships.

This is my daily (gluten-free) bread. Join me.

One Month

Hi my name is Michelle and i'm addicted to gluten gluten-free. Give me my one month chip already and say I'm cured, okay?

So that's not gonna happen, but I HAVE been gf for 1 month and my pain has made a crazy 180 (with exception of 1 flare up which was caused by my ribs getting stuck to my spine, something I cannot blame on food).

I've also begun the anger/frustration phase of food grief. While Brian Regan makes it sound so hiliarious ...



...cutting anything that you love out of your diet is hard. Especially when you're not just doing it to follow the cool new food fad (coughcoughI'mlookingatyouDentoncoughcough) but because it will cause much physical pain.

But I'm trying to stay positive and become more educated. Here's what I've discovered.

It's not Celiac Disease. *whew*
It's not a wheat allergy.

It's more than likely a gluten intolerance - which is not a medical term and many Drs don't even recognize this as a real thing. But I do have almost ALL of these top 10 symptoms listed HERE , even down to the weird skin thing that I've had almost my whole life (go figure!).

I haven't had any reactions to oats, rye, or barley - i've only actively cut out wheat so I guess it could be worse?

Plus, I make a mean breakfast smoothie. I've been practicing for a whole month :)

Gluten free GAG ME

As some of you may know I've been dealing with a variety of health issues this past years (and many years previous if we're going to be honest). If I were to try to explain the many things that are wrong in this poor body it would be a much longer paragraph than you would read, so let's just say it's A LOT.

A few weeks ago I was in extreme "can't stop crying" pain. It was weird because I hurt ALL the time, so I should be used to it right? The only thing that was different in life was that I was eating a lot more pastas and pizzas than normal (circumstances outside of my control) and then I was laid up in bed for many afternoons. One day I told my chiro, "I don't get it. I wake up feeling fine and an hour later my pain begins. The only thing I've done in an hour is eat breakfast! How can my body be hurting already?"

Hmm... pasta, pizza, my wheat-based cereal... could it be that I have a gluten intolerance / wheat allergy?  I have crazy familial history with allergies (thanks mom!) and an allergist told me a few years ago "You are just an extremely allergic person" (thanks again mom!). Could it be?

So I began my experiment. No wheat. At all.

And the constant inflammation in my muscles decreased mightily. My muscle spasms lessened. My tears dried up. I had energy to do things (that is, until school started...).

So I began the process to *quickly* get allergy tested (because my insurance deductible resets in a week and I'd rather not pay for this expensive business). Turns out that quickly getting anything done in the health community is a cosmic joke. Getting it done the same week of Meet the Teacher and 1st week of school is ludicrous. So for now, all I have to go on is my 3 week experiment, my major decrease of (overall) pain, and my chiro's suspicion that it's "highly probable" that I'm allergic.

Now, before you think that I'm becoming another crunchy granola Paleo-only and-you-should-be-too Dentonite, let me console your fears. I want cereal. And pasta. And that tortilla in my Chipotle burrito was almost worth the pain backlash later. I'm cringing the next time I go into Olive Garden or Texas Roadhouse and having to pass on the bread *tears have actually been shed over this*. And saying no to baked goods is the hardest thing I've ever done. I would eat it if I could. But the ability to hush the physical civil war I've been enduring for YEARS is kind of worth it.

Kind of.

So here's to my gluten-free, hope-I-can-find-some-stuff-that-doesn't-taste-like-cardboard, continuous experiment. Because, I mean, come on, who's going to pay $1,000 just to know for sure?

Back to School

I've been pretty silent here on the blogosphere, enjoying every second of my summer vacation. Much like you sip your wine slowly and listen to The Civil Wars on repeat, the good stuff is meant to be savored. But now it's August - which means it's time to say goodbye to your friends and get back to school. And if you're lucky, you can start reading 10,000 blogs defending your job to others. This post is for you, seemingly whiny teachers, who feel they need to remind others that you take your job seriously.

#1 WE HAVE EARNED OUR SUMMER!
Yes, we have. But we've also lucked out that we have a job with the same hours as our kids and that we get paid vacation time. Come November all this sleeping-in, enjoying-to-do-less-days will seem like but a memory as our pulse is set by the classroom clock and we will have a hard time coming home and not freaking out that it's 6:02!! and dinner was supposed to be at 600!!! We know those 2 minutes in school time will mean all the difference between a restroom break or pee dripping down our legs, a happy team member or an irritated specials teacher who has been WAITING, etc. But for now, we will enjoy our summer, and our lowered blood pressure.

#2 WE ARE BROKE!
Yes, we are. But don't pretend that shopping down the back-to-school aisles of Staples, Walmart, and Target didn't give you a secret thrill. Come on, you and I both know that shopping for new chart markers, POLY folders (because those paper ones are a waste of time and an insult to my classroom), spirals, and that binder that will become your life is a high like any other (with exception of a new back to school dress that is adorable yet modest in a teacher way). Let's face it, we're like kids in a candy store and we're so excited to be this broke.

*And if you have the privilege to be married to us, watch out - because you WILL get a fashion show of staplers and organizers with a lengthy explanation of how we're going to implement this into our classroom! Oh Goody!

#3 WE ARE TIRED!
99% of the school year this is true. We're exhausted physically from chasing after our own kids or beating our bodies into submission in early morning workouts before we even get to school. Now don't forget the stress that idiot-going-to-slow-on-the-1-lane-road will cause before we burst through those double doors into the room that will remind us how many more HOURS of work we need to squeeze into the next 23 minutes. Then we spend the next 7.5 hours rationalizing with tiny children, organizing lessons & 20+ kids with the precision of a master puppeteer, and somehow manage to eat a 3 course meal in less than 10 mins. But, let's not talk about how tired we're GOING to be because it's summer now, meaning that we've caught up on sleep from last August and we're fresh-faced and ready for the next school year.

#4 WE WORK ALL YEAR LONG
So does everyone. Our "work" the past few months has included pinterest, spotify, and moscato. And then Target (of course). Stop complaining.

#5 WE ARE PROFESSIONALS
Absolutely - getting doubted, judged, and blamed at work is exhausting and shouldn't happen. Parents should trust us to do our best with their kids. We LOVE their kiddos which is why we're willing to do this thankless job for very little pay. Soon, we will be broke, stressed, and tired, fantasizing about a day off (or even for that kid to be sick just once) - but we LOVE our jobs. And those kids will soon be crossing the threshold into our mini-cosms we've created with cutesy bulletin boards and pinterest-inspired organization tricks. And we LOVE it.

But the more we complain, teachers, the less professional we seem - so buck it up, remember that there are a 1000 thankless jobs out there but you chose one that makes a difference, share this blog with another teacher friend, and let's all go back to the pool for one more day.

A STRONG WOMAN

I have never been what you would consider strong. Growing up I was the ridiculously skinny bony girl – not by choice, just by design. When I went to college, I decided I was going to change that – I was going to work out. I begin lifting weights and was so excited when I got to 15lb bicep curls in each arm! I was getting stronger! And then I broke my elbow. Back to square one.

Throughout college I attempted things bigger than I could handle. I went to Reynosa to help “build” a house and they put me to work “holding the wall” and sweeping. Tough work, indeed. But I was okay with that. I wasn’t strong. I wanted to be; I envied my stronger girl friends, but I knew I wasn’t built that way.

But other circumstances in my life have caused me to be “strong”. Constant migraines, neck, back, shoulder pain. Losing movement in my arms and fingers. A jaw that locks, pops, and dislocates when eating. Popping muscles that require massage therapists to use their elbows – and even then I say “you can press harder, I can barely feel that”. Masseuses marveled at my “strength” and ability to withstand pain – one horrible masseuse even left my back black and blue and I actually never felt a thing! My response was always – well, everything hurts all the time, this doesn’t even compare.

Fast forward to my last years of college and first years in Mexico – when the migraine and jaw pain leaves me broken, in tears and in bed. Keeping the pain to myself (very few knew the depth of the pain unless you lived with me – Anna, Kristen, and Stephanie B.) and just silently withstanding. I broke down once watching Dr House when he talked about the constant pain – just because someone was able to verbalize what I was feeling – even if it was a fictional character…

Nowadays, the pain is winning and affecting my voice. This season of life, I’ve seen 4 different doctors – from ENTs, Voice specialists, and Vocal therapists – and no one could find the reason why my voice was leaving me for 7-8 days at a time and causing excruciating pain. It became just part of the pain I was silently dealing with – except now it’s affecting my work and relationships. The  20-year old DENIAL part of the process was finally over, and it was time to move on to ANGER, BARGAINING, and sadness. This season has been a pendulum swing of prayer begging God to make the pain stop and shaking my fist at Him reminding him that “I’m so young and I don’t deserve this”.

I found a chiropractor (I really just wanted massages covered by my insurance) who seemed to be very honest and who actually UNDERSTOOD about my voice issues through his personal experience. The xrays came back this past week – and it was bad news. It’s probably not fixable, just manageable. I’m actually at a 25% impaired level in my left neck and my lower back is messed up too (surprise!). And for the first time in my life, people are saying “You’re a strong woman”.

It’s an overwhelming time – it’s a scary time. But unlike before, when my identity was “Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m fine, it’s just what I have to deal with”, I CAN NOT LET my focus and identity be found in my pain. I REFUSE to be the “Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m in unending pain” girl. My identity HAS TO REMAIN in Christ – I am His daughter and He will never ever leave or forsake me. He understands and felt horrible pain too – and He has (oddly) orchestrated this to make me into a STRONG WOMAN. Not strong enough to withstand pain, like the doctors mean to use it, but strong enough to trust in my all-powerful God that this is for my good. Strong enough to serve my husband when I can, and strong enough to receive his servant-heartedness when I cannot. Strong enough to trust God with the doctor’s bills. Strong enough to remain humble and faithful , walking in this season towards ACCEPTANCE through obedience to the path God has laid at my feet.

My prayer is that people would not look at me and say “She’s a STRONG WOMAN” but instead “How strongly does God love her that He is helping her walk through this without bitterness or anger”. And, if we’re lucky “How big is our God that He has reduced her pain and sliding vertebrae!”

Trial by Fire

Once upon a time there was a sermon I heard that said sometimes we walk around with everything in our world crumbling and our flesh on fire saying "I'm good, how are you?" because we feel like we need to keep a smiling appearance. I remember, that day or shortly after sitting across from a restaurant booth from a dear friend while she broke down and just quietly said "I'm on fire" and how much I loved her more in that moment and made a new commitment to be her community.

I suppose you could say that we Elizaldes are having a few fiery days of our own. 

But that's what chronic illness/pain and medical uncertainty does, doesn't it? It sets everything you took for granted in a whole new light, tests your relationships and your faith, and makes you feel very isolated. Not to mention the other trials of work, church, family, etc that are daily parts of everyone's lives.

(Now, don't misunderstand me, I am aware that my hurts are nothing compared to the pains of many people. I'm blessed to be feeling better now than I have been, to be closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, and to be functioning at about 80% most days. For this I am grateful.)

But at the risk of sounding over-dramatic, pain can do funny things to your mind. It can make you feel self-pity, anger, envy, despair, denial, worry, stress, guilt, and frustrated. And, while I can't speak for my husband, I imagine that living with someone in pain makes you feel many of the same things. 

Today as yet another migraine began, I started to feel very "whyyyy meeeee????" and began to read the book of Job. Job complained a lot, his friends were only encouraging for the first 3 verses or so that they showed up, and Job's perspective of God was very much as a punishing God instead of a merciful and understanding God. 

But the interesting part is in the behind the scenes of Job 1. God asks Satan "Where have you been" (even though He knows) and Satan responds with his usual "prowling around" answer. God then mentions Job “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

To me this is shocking - it's like seeing a robber in your home and pointing out where you child is hiding. God's throwing Job into the path of pain, of hurt, of sickness, of loss, of grief.

WHY would God point out Job, knowing full well what Satan would do? 

We have 2 choices here: to believe as Job does at the beginning that it's as punishment, or to believe that God had a perfect plan for Job and knew that Job could handle this "trial by fire". The way that God speaks of Job does not seem like an angry Father, and taking what I know of His character in the Bible and in my life, no, I cannot accept this reason for pain. So, therefore, I must accept the other. 

This pain is for my good. 
He works all things together for my good. 
ALL things. 
He has a purpose for me, for us, in this. 
This trial by fire is meant for my good.
And He has counted us WORTHY to suffer in this way. 
He knows we can handle it (not because we are strong, but because HE IS STRONG in us). 

So with this, I say YES I AM ON FIRE but
Hallelujah, Praise the Lord. 
As the migraines flood my mind with pain, I say "have your way with me". 
As my muscles conspire against me and threaten to silence me, I say "here I am, Lord"
As my back spasms and I cannot hold back the tears, I say "You are still good"

Silenced

So I've been considering writing this post for a while and today, home from church bc of pain, sitting outside watching my husband plant a tree, now seems like a good time.

In September, as I was teaching my class, something popped in my voice and I immediately had shooting pain in my throat and voice. I also immediately lost volume and range of pitch. It was scary and weird...after a week of this, I went to Dr #1. We did a scope on my vocal cords and nothing was unusual. After a month of constant voice pain and limited vocal function, I called him again and he recommended me to UNTs speech and voice center. Scope #2 was emotional bc I felt frustrated that I had lost my voice just before this appt after waiting a month for answers. We saw diff things in my vocal cords this time, mainly large gaps and possible polyps/nodules - which they said could possibly get smaller, but are never healed. I knew that the wait list for vocal therapy was months long but my case worker is the supervisor so she said "I'll see you next week"

After more episodes of losing my voice completely for 6,7,8 days I was looking for another opinion. I was recommended to "THE" voice guy of Dallas and they got me a quick appt. without any scopes he suggested that this was due to a flare up of the cold sore virus which can affect your nerves and cause vocal cord paralysis and weakness. I got some steroids (which offered my first voice pain reprieve in 3 mos) and some cold sore mess (which did nothing).

More time passed, more pain, more loss of voice, my Vocal Therapist suggested a 3rd opinion. Doubtful and feeling a little jaded, we went, again getting an appt soon. Dr. Mao was amazing - he listened, he asked my WHOLE medical history and wanted all the details. This vocal cord scope showed nothing that we had seen months earlier (yay!) which led his to believe that this is connected to all my crazy neck/back/TMJ/migraine issues. He suggested that the chronic tension and pain in my upper body is effecting my neck and constricting my voice box and therefore causing this problem.

He said a scary word FIBROMYALGIA - and suggested seeing a rheumatologist as well as continuing my yoga, stretching, relaxation, massages, and finding some muscle relaxers. Basically get rid of stress and make your body calm down. Which is stressful for a Type A person like me - Relax!! Relax now! Do it!

This is where I find myself now. Often silenced, in pain, unable to sing, unable to talk in aloud restaurant, avoiding phone calls, wiping tears from my eyes, and a little scared of what a rheumatologist might say.

But, in the midst, I see the sweet hand of my great big God. Quick appointments, moments or even days with lowered pain levels, my servant-hearted husband, prayers of friends, puppy kisses, learning sign language to continue worship without a voice, His strength getting me through, His voice saying He has done this for a reason, He who hears me even when I'm silenced, giving me the ability to persist.

This is my prayer in the fire
I weakness, or trial, or pain
The is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame -hillsong