Silenced

So I've been considering writing this post for a while and today, home from church bc of pain, sitting outside watching my husband plant a tree, now seems like a good time.

In September, as I was teaching my class, something popped in my voice and I immediately had shooting pain in my throat and voice. I also immediately lost volume and range of pitch. It was scary and weird...after a week of this, I went to Dr #1. We did a scope on my vocal cords and nothing was unusual. After a month of constant voice pain and limited vocal function, I called him again and he recommended me to UNTs speech and voice center. Scope #2 was emotional bc I felt frustrated that I had lost my voice just before this appt after waiting a month for answers. We saw diff things in my vocal cords this time, mainly large gaps and possible polyps/nodules - which they said could possibly get smaller, but are never healed. I knew that the wait list for vocal therapy was months long but my case worker is the supervisor so she said "I'll see you next week"

After more episodes of losing my voice completely for 6,7,8 days I was looking for another opinion. I was recommended to "THE" voice guy of Dallas and they got me a quick appt. without any scopes he suggested that this was due to a flare up of the cold sore virus which can affect your nerves and cause vocal cord paralysis and weakness. I got some steroids (which offered my first voice pain reprieve in 3 mos) and some cold sore mess (which did nothing).

More time passed, more pain, more loss of voice, my Vocal Therapist suggested a 3rd opinion. Doubtful and feeling a little jaded, we went, again getting an appt soon. Dr. Mao was amazing - he listened, he asked my WHOLE medical history and wanted all the details. This vocal cord scope showed nothing that we had seen months earlier (yay!) which led his to believe that this is connected to all my crazy neck/back/TMJ/migraine issues. He suggested that the chronic tension and pain in my upper body is effecting my neck and constricting my voice box and therefore causing this problem.

He said a scary word FIBROMYALGIA - and suggested seeing a rheumatologist as well as continuing my yoga, stretching, relaxation, massages, and finding some muscle relaxers. Basically get rid of stress and make your body calm down. Which is stressful for a Type A person like me - Relax!! Relax now! Do it!

This is where I find myself now. Often silenced, in pain, unable to sing, unable to talk in aloud restaurant, avoiding phone calls, wiping tears from my eyes, and a little scared of what a rheumatologist might say.

But, in the midst, I see the sweet hand of my great big God. Quick appointments, moments or even days with lowered pain levels, my servant-hearted husband, prayers of friends, puppy kisses, learning sign language to continue worship without a voice, His strength getting me through, His voice saying He has done this for a reason, He who hears me even when I'm silenced, giving me the ability to persist.

This is my prayer in the fire
I weakness, or trial, or pain
The is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame -hillsong

Top 12 of 2012

In true Letterman fashion, I am composing a list of my favorite moments from 2012. These will be in no particular order because I'm too non-committal and because you'd probably judge me if you knew I think getting kissed by a seal is better than becoming a first-time home owner.

2012 was an amazing year. It was full of surprises that made me feel like a kid, amazing "best day ever" travels (thanks to my husband's great budgeting skills!), and adult steps in life. Here are a few of my favorite moments.

12 Time with my Favorite Man

 

11 Talking with my Dad in the Hospital during my Mom's Surgery
10 Hot Air Balloon Festival

9 Being a part of Elizalde Photography's Amazing and Creative Photo Shoots

8 Ringing in 2012 with a Dance Party - What better way than Party Rock and the How I Met Your Mother song?

7 Buying a House

6 Going to the Beach (twice!)

5 Getting Kissed by a Seal & Swimming with Fish

4 Seeing my Best Friend's Newborn Triplets

3 Learning Sign Language & Worshipping in Sign because I can't sing anymore

2 Seeing the Mythbusters in PERSON! (yes I'm a nerd)

1 Seeing Prayers Answered by a Faithful God to a Very Unfaithful me

Happy New Year!

Adventures in Advent

December. Already.
I feel like I just rang in the New Year.

Much as happened this year, and much is still happening. We're getting ready to move, purchasing our very first home, closing is in just a few weeks. It's an awkward time to move - do we buy a tree? do we put up lights? How to get in the Christmas spirit when you're putting your house in boxes and wearing a sundress? (yes, you read that right, it's like 80 degrees here today).

Enter Advent.
I've never really celebrated Advent - nor understood what it was. I went to a church that explained it to the congregation, but it never "clicked" for me. But now that my normal holiday traditions are lacking, I thought whattheheck, let's try it!

My favorite Christmas carol is O Come, O Come, Emmanuel - and since Advent is all about remembering the HOPE, PEACE, JOY, and LOVE we have because of Jesus and looking towards Jesus' 2nd coming in expectation, it seemed fitting. I took the words to all but 1 verse and broke it into 24 pieces (one for each day of Advent).

Let's celebrate His coming (then and soon!)

happy :)

2012 has been a year for newness. New exciting, bucket-list fulfilling, moments. While watching the documentary Happy (which I recommend!), 

Rolling in a field of Bluebonnets
they smell so good!!

(us not pictured) Kayaking for the 1st time!

they mentioned that happy people are those who challenge themselves to continue to do difficult and exciting things. So, in order to share the HAPPINESS I've experienced this year, here are a few pics of my fav moments (including those when I've realized that I was making a crazy face but was too excited to contain myself):

Learning new things - ASL!

 

Unexpected time with family

Renewing my love for concerts - Cafe Tacuba!

Learning new things - Photography!!

A kiss from a SEAL!

Hot Air Balloon Festival

Political Unrest in Mexico - you need to know!

Yes ladies and gentleman, Mexico has their presidential elections in 2012 too! Their presidents are chosen every 6 yrs and cannot serve concurrent terms. There are many political parties and, while I don't pretend to be an expert in anything political (those of you who know me can testify), here are a few basics to get you in the know about what's going on south of the border!

The election: July 2012
The history: There are many parties. One party (PRI) was in power for 72 years. Currently the PAN is in office. Many consider these to be the 2 "main" parties.
The candidates: PRI's choice - Enrique Peña Nieto (EPN for short). PAN's choice - Josefina Vasquez Mota - the 1st woman candidate. She's currectly sec of education, which is why NO ONE should vote for her. PRD's choice - the controversial "almost" winner of last election Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador (AMLO for short).

One more thing you need to know - the estimated population of Mexico City is 32 million, young ppl consist of 30% of that 32 million. In mexico city alone.

This is where it gets good, people. 

Josefina famously said that she supports money laundering  in the middle of a speech. (listen for the words "lavado del dinero".  Who knows what she actually meant but it was basically over for her at that moment.
                                       

EPN is the young, handsome, and charming one, who's dating a celebrity and is currently in a lot of celeb gossip magazines.

 

He goes to a campaign for encouraging kids to read. He is asked to name 3 books that have influence him. He can not think of one. Not 1. He rambles in his political manner for a hilarious 10 mins or so - somewhat mentioning the Bible saying that he read a part of it one time. He is booed off stage and harshly ridiculed for months. Carlos Fuentes (one of the top Latin American writers) condemns him and says that he has the right not to read, but not the right to lead a country if he has such a low level of intelligence. *young ppl in mexico get annoyed*

Good hair doesn't cover up your ignorance.

EPN's daughter gets offended by all the ridicule. She says on twitter "hello to all you ***holes who are proles (low class ppl) who criticize". *young ppl in mexico are offended*

In an interview they ask him a basic economic question (how much does a kilo of tortillas cost now?) and he responds with "I don't know. I'm not a homemaker." ouch.

EPN then begins to brag about how he speaks such "wonderful" English and then makes a fool of himself yet again. He begins to be booed out of every campaigning arena he attempts to enter, he is constantly ridiculed on TV and radio (even clowns are making fun of him!!) ... *young ppl in mexico are agitated bc he's made it this far on his looks*



h o w e v e r

The media says he's strongly leading in the polls. Wait, what? The media says that people are receiving him with arms wide open and that he's a front-runner? There are many videos to the contrary, plus the police presence for his protection is kind of a sign that things aren't going your way. They discover that he has paid past the legal limit allowing for media coverage and ads/commercials. Hmm, something smells fishy.

For the youth, this media manipulation of the election becomes too much. EPN represents the political party that was in office for 7 decades! Not only that, but it's the political party that famously massacred college students who were unhappy with the PRI in 1968.

A student group called "We are the 132" begin to protest. A suspected 40,000 people show up to protest in Mexico City alone -- more states of Mexico have also begun to protest.

"While the media lies, we will continue to speak"

"Now WE give the news"

Most are protesting the media manipulation of the election.
Some are protesting the possibility of the PRI being back in power.
Some just want Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador elected (many believe the last election was fraudulent). AMLO is old and sometimes not with it (in the debates he held pics upside down and spoke slowly). He is much more left-wing and good friends with Hugo Chavez.

But he is intelligent and can be articulate when he wants to be. His cabinet will be made of top people in their fields (we're talking nationally recognized intellects) and I'd have to hope they'd help him out in his off moments.


No one knows how this is all going to play out - but I, for one, am excited to be there as it's happening! Revolución!

Ode to John Mayer

I love John Mayer. 

He is an amazing musician, and although he's a mess of a person (who isn't??), he writes the most honest lyrics and sings with vulnerability.

We have grown together John and I

from 2002-2003 when he was in the jukebox at one of my 1st jobs
she's always buzzing just like neon, neon

and I was graduating

i want to run through the halls of my high school

i want to scream at the top of my lungs

i just found out there's no such thing as a real world

just a lie you have to rise above

To the sweet afternoon when I lie under a tree at a college campus, dealing with the change of life and who I was becoming

I'm a new man

I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed

and my impending first heartbreak

'all we need is love' is a lie 'cause we had love and we still said goodbye

now we're tired, battled fighters...

i called because i just need to feel you on the line

don't hang up this time

i know it's me who called it over but...

Skip a few years ahead when I was cynical, bitter, and hurt by promises of an on-again, off-again fool
i'll beg my way in to your garden
then i'll break my way out when it rains
just to get back to the place where i started
so i can want you back all over again (i don't really understand)...
i don't trust myself with loving you

my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room 

(JM's best song to date in my opinion)

i'm in repair...i'm not together but i'm getting there

Unfortunately, John Mayer's midlife crisis (Stop This Train still makes me cry every time) took him off the deep end and while Battle Studies was still great, his writing became superficial and easy.

example chorus:
line 1
repeat line 1
repeat line 1
repeat line 1

While I recognize the difficulty of the writing style and connecting the lyrics of almost every song, the only true emotional gem was Edge of Desire, currently on my Top 25 Most Played on my ipod. (I won't quote you anything, just go listen now...seriously, now).

Then John Mayer had a series of silences and surgeries, sobering up (Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey) and apologies to make. And thankfully he's back! Just as my ipod is filling with The Civil Wars, Iron & Wine, Bon Iver, and Mumford and Sons, John and I are on the same page again!

For the upbeat lovers you have his 2nd single "Queen of California" and JM Trio-esque "Something Like Olivia". For the storytellers "Walt grace's Submarine Test" (a song that reminds me of Pixar's Up). For the romantics "Love is a Verb" and "A Face to Call Home"
little by little
inch by inch
we've built a yard with a garden in the middle of it
it ain't much but it's a start...


He takes melodic risks (Age of Worry), writing risks (Walt Grace...), genre risks (country/folk) while still staying true to his John Mayer goodness that we know and love.

So I leave you with this lyric that has haunted me since I first heard it on Tuesday morning...
maybe it's all a dream i'm living at 17
and i don't have tattoos...
when you gonna wise up boy?

May we all get around to living. And now you have some new additions to your soundtrack!

Warriors

Why do we (women) love the Hunger Games? More specifically, why do we root for Katniss? She's a heroine that we can relate to and want to be like. She's strong, she's brave, she's fiercely protective and passionate, she questions, she rebels, she fights.

As a woman, as a Christian, as a wife -- at times this is a difficult balance to find. Once a friend told me "I feel like I don't fit in with all those 'perfect' Christian women because I'm opinionated and I'm not quiet at all." -- to which she said she's glad that she's my friend bc I'm the same way. It's at times difficult to 'fit in' when I've never been known to submit well, think before I speak, or sit quietly when I disagree.

I'm thankful for 2 things today:

#1 - He is at work in me! He is changing my character to better fit this balance. He is guarding my mouth, allowing a bit of wisdom to enter before i speak, giving me a heart of patience to overlook an insult, a softer tone of voice that doesn't always defend when feeling hurt. Praise God, He is not done with me!!

#2 - However, He does not want me to be a quiet meek being with no opinion or voice. Today at church we read about Deborah - a judge, in charge of Israel, a prophetess, a woman who praised and feared the Lord. She went into a battle, she went into the front lines, and (probably bc I'm re-reading the HG books) I could see the scene a little more clearly. Horses' hooves, metal clanging, armor put on, charging with the army, bearing weapons, perhaps taking part of a battle cry -- strong. willing. brave. bold. protecting her people. inspiring others. a fighter. a warrior.

He'll help us find the healthy balance, but may we as women rise up to be brave and bold warriors to fight against the difficulties that rise in our life, continually looking to the Lord for strength and praising Him after the battles!