what we want, what we get

Listening to Dave Barnes (love him!!) and chuckling at how true his lyrics are for my life right now...

sometimes what we want isn't what we get

sometimes what we get ain't really what we want

As you may remember I decided last month to begin intentional month-long prayers for javi, myself, and our marriage. March was for humility. God is a generous God. sometimes i forget this.

The rug has been pulled out from underneath me in several big life circumstances. If I were to list them all here it would just be overwhelming - but trust me, it's hard gritty dramatic life stuff. This has sent me into a spiral of reflection, reaction, and repentance.

It's a daily battle between my emotions and human thoughts vs God's sovereignty and control. It's a daily battle between my trust in the victory and sufficience of the Cross vs my unbelief.
And it's a daily reminder of Who is in control.

I am like the grass.
I am like the wind.
I am like the grasshoppers.
I am but a lily in a field.
I am chaff blown away.
I am nothing.

I

am

nothing.

I know nothing.
I control nothing.
I can fix nothing.
I can heal nothing.
I can save nothing.
I can assure nothing.
I can plan nothing.

God alone is on the throne.

everything we have, everything we've got -- it was given

ain't a thing we need that heaven forgot -- it was given.

"O God most high, most glorious
The thought of Thine infinite serenity cheers me,
For I am toiling and moiling, troubled and distressed,
but Thou art for ever at perfect peace.
Thy designs cause Thee no fear or care of unfulfillment,
they stand fast as the eternal hills.
Thy power knows no bond, Thy goodness no stint.
Thou bringest order out of confusion,
and my defeats are Thy victories.
The Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
I come to Thee as a sinner with cares and sorrows,
to leave every concern entirely to Thee,
every sin calling for Christ's precious blood..." (Valley of Vision prayers)

heavy hearted

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger and need
My God is a God who provides

^{Jer 31:25} "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

^{1 Peter 1:6-7} In all this you greatly rejoice,
though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—
of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—
may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

^{Ps 34:1} I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

^{1 Cor 15:57-58} Thanks be to God!
He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.
Let nothing move you.
Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,
because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

this has been a hard time.
a time of grief and sorrow.
a time of learning how to trust on the Lord.
a time of rejoicing in the grace of the cross.
a time of learning about the Victory of Christ.
a time of refining faith.

You know you own a dog/puppy when:

- Your blog is all about your dog
- You tell your students to "come" "stay" "sit" or "don't bite me" (that last one is a joke but lately, I wouldn't be surprised...)
- Your husband and you talk about the dog's bowel movements every time you talk
- You pray to ask for a servant's heart when the dog whines at 2am
- You become very clean only so the dog won't eat any of your stuff
- You find dog treats in your pockets while at work
- You bleed from over-zealous dog play
- You research all different kinds of dog breeds to find puppies that look like your mutt
- You have "dog" pajamas and pajamas you actually allow to enter into your sheets
- You finally make friends with your neighbors of 7 months (they have dogs too)
- You show off your dog's picture to any passerby who didn't ask

but how could you not adore her? she's just so cute!!

Maya

Javi and I are taking that "next step" in our relationship -- we're getting a puppy! I've wanted a puppy for a very long time - (6 years now) and my super persuasive arguments and eyelash batting have finally won out. Saturday morning we went to the Denton animal shelter and picked out the most beautiful and (probably) intelligent dog there.
(sidenote: I say probably because we don't have her yet. But like any good dog mom, I have high expectations... that will probably be dashed quite soon)



Javi's dog experiences were with big, strong, slobbery, macho dogs who had lots of room to play outside. They were rough and tumble outside dogs that were fun to run around with. My dog experience was a 13 lb mini dachshund who loved to lie in front of the fire and bark at birds. So of course, our hopes for our sweet Maya are quite different.

I have already dog-proofed the house, used the phrase "that's not good enough for my puppy", and have fretted a lot about her training. Javi, on the other hand, has continued to repeat to me "it's a dog" and has lost no sleep over her soon-arrival.

Things are about to get very interesting around the Elizalde house...here's to puppy training!

the not-so-incredible-she-hulk

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we can find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside...

it's been less than 1 week of praying for love. and i am so far from it.

whenever i perceive that someone is disrespecting me or frustrating my plans or not going my way i turn into this hate-filled angry person. hatred that sits so deep within me wells up and i turn into an animal going for the jugular with claws out. i'm so filled with meanness. i'm so filled with impatience. i'm so filled with defensiveness and rebellion. it oozes out of me, the not-so-incredible-she-hulk, more than love does (sure, i love my friends and family and those who love me, but what good is that?)


and afterward, when the adrenaline subsides i'm left with the memory of hurtful words, extreme conviction, and the knowledge that i have just glorified in wounding someone else. for something they may or may not have actually done. who wants to live like this?

...It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at every start (mumford&sons)

oh, Lord, teach me how to love!

sowing

Unlike many a Denton wife I cannot sew. I mean, I braved the sewing machine for Javi's Christmas present, but I am not visual enough for that type of creative work. But I'm not talking about that kind of sewing -- sowing, as in gardening. Which I do not to either. (I'm a bad Denton hippie)

People often talk about gaining weight when you first get married. And while Javi and I have focused on keeping ourselves fit and healthy (despite what a personal trainer insinuated today at the gym -- but he can bite me), we have not "let ourselves go" in that area of life.

When Javi and I first started dating (or not-dating to be more accurate), I spent 8 months in detailed, intentional prayer for our relationship. I truly believe that because of God's faithfulness towards persistent prayers (and pray-ers) He has allowed us to walk in much love, gentleness, kindness, peace, joy, self control, and faithfulness. However, now that we are married I have to confess that there's an attitude of a "I've accomplished, I'm married, whew, I'm done now" in my heart. A very wrong attitude.

I've "let myself go". I have stopped sowing.

But today, I was reminded that we reap what we sow. And currently I'm sowing a love for How I Met Your Mother, instead of a foundation for a good marriage.

So here's the game plan - for the next 12 months I will have a focus of prayer. This focused prayer will be based on a characteristic that I want the Lord to produce in my marriage - it will be a fruit of the Spirit, a characteristic of godliness, a necessity of daily life. My hope is that the Lord will continue to bless what He has put together and that He will make it grow.

February is love. <3

new name

Not just for my blog, but I now -legally- have a new name. Names are funny things -- in a lot of ways they define you, they dictate who you are and where you come from. Last names bring with them traditions, memories, and ways of doing things. Baby names are often given based on what they mean, in hopes that good things will come for their child. God often changed peoples names to signify a change in them that He has brought about or will bring about.

I'm an Elizalde now.
A wife. A new family. A new culture.

But, awkwardly, at the same time my name changes, Javi has to go back to Mexico and I'm here living as if I were still single. I've never understood people that complain when their husbands go out of town - I've always thought "get over it. you've lived this long without him. you're still your own person". In some ways there's truth there - but in other ways that's wrong. There's a unity in a marriage, intimacy, a deep "knowing" of another person. Daily life is new and there is a freedom to be completely you in a way I've never understood as an outsider looking in. So, in a way, as you learn from the other, you learn about yourself because you continue to grow and change. And all of the sudden, you're different. You're new. You have a new name.

Yet

I'm still Michelle. I'm still an individual. Javi does not "complete" me. I have my likes and dislikes. Things that stir my soul for Christ. Things I can do in solitude. Books to read, music to dance to, friends to laugh with, food to cook. My longings for my husband while he's away are not to define me or make me feel "less" but are to remind me that everything is temporary. Even marriage is not eternal.

I have a Husband who does complete me. One who never sleeps, always hears, and will never leave me. One who will one day be with me face-to-face. And even now I see Him dimly, I hope and long for the day when He will come back to me and take me with Him.

You've taken my pain and called me by a new name
You've taken my shame and in its place, You give me joy
You take my mourning, turn it into dancing
You take my weeping, turn it into laughing