A STRONG WOMAN

I have never been what you would consider strong. Growing up I was the ridiculously skinny bony girl – not by choice, just by design. When I went to college, I decided I was going to change that – I was going to work out. I begin lifting weights and was so excited when I got to 15lb bicep curls in each arm! I was getting stronger! And then I broke my elbow. Back to square one.

Throughout college I attempted things bigger than I could handle. I went to Reynosa to help “build” a house and they put me to work “holding the wall” and sweeping. Tough work, indeed. But I was okay with that. I wasn’t strong. I wanted to be; I envied my stronger girl friends, but I knew I wasn’t built that way.

But other circumstances in my life have caused me to be “strong”. Constant migraines, neck, back, shoulder pain. Losing movement in my arms and fingers. A jaw that locks, pops, and dislocates when eating. Popping muscles that require massage therapists to use their elbows – and even then I say “you can press harder, I can barely feel that”. Masseuses marveled at my “strength” and ability to withstand pain – one horrible masseuse even left my back black and blue and I actually never felt a thing! My response was always – well, everything hurts all the time, this doesn’t even compare.

Fast forward to my last years of college and first years in Mexico – when the migraine and jaw pain leaves me broken, in tears and in bed. Keeping the pain to myself (very few knew the depth of the pain unless you lived with me – Anna, Kristen, and Stephanie B.) and just silently withstanding. I broke down once watching Dr House when he talked about the constant pain – just because someone was able to verbalize what I was feeling – even if it was a fictional character…

Nowadays, the pain is winning and affecting my voice. This season of life, I’ve seen 4 different doctors – from ENTs, Voice specialists, and Vocal therapists – and no one could find the reason why my voice was leaving me for 7-8 days at a time and causing excruciating pain. It became just part of the pain I was silently dealing with – except now it’s affecting my work and relationships. The  20-year old DENIAL part of the process was finally over, and it was time to move on to ANGER, BARGAINING, and sadness. This season has been a pendulum swing of prayer begging God to make the pain stop and shaking my fist at Him reminding him that “I’m so young and I don’t deserve this”.

I found a chiropractor (I really just wanted massages covered by my insurance) who seemed to be very honest and who actually UNDERSTOOD about my voice issues through his personal experience. The xrays came back this past week – and it was bad news. It’s probably not fixable, just manageable. I’m actually at a 25% impaired level in my left neck and my lower back is messed up too (surprise!). And for the first time in my life, people are saying “You’re a strong woman”.

It’s an overwhelming time – it’s a scary time. But unlike before, when my identity was “Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m fine, it’s just what I have to deal with”, I CAN NOT LET my focus and identity be found in my pain. I REFUSE to be the “Hi, my name is Michelle and I’m in unending pain” girl. My identity HAS TO REMAIN in Christ – I am His daughter and He will never ever leave or forsake me. He understands and felt horrible pain too – and He has (oddly) orchestrated this to make me into a STRONG WOMAN. Not strong enough to withstand pain, like the doctors mean to use it, but strong enough to trust in my all-powerful God that this is for my good. Strong enough to serve my husband when I can, and strong enough to receive his servant-heartedness when I cannot. Strong enough to trust God with the doctor’s bills. Strong enough to remain humble and faithful , walking in this season towards ACCEPTANCE through obedience to the path God has laid at my feet.

My prayer is that people would not look at me and say “She’s a STRONG WOMAN” but instead “How strongly does God love her that He is helping her walk through this without bitterness or anger”. And, if we’re lucky “How big is our God that He has reduced her pain and sliding vertebrae!”

Trial by Fire

Once upon a time there was a sermon I heard that said sometimes we walk around with everything in our world crumbling and our flesh on fire saying "I'm good, how are you?" because we feel like we need to keep a smiling appearance. I remember, that day or shortly after sitting across from a restaurant booth from a dear friend while she broke down and just quietly said "I'm on fire" and how much I loved her more in that moment and made a new commitment to be her community.

I suppose you could say that we Elizaldes are having a few fiery days of our own. 

But that's what chronic illness/pain and medical uncertainty does, doesn't it? It sets everything you took for granted in a whole new light, tests your relationships and your faith, and makes you feel very isolated. Not to mention the other trials of work, church, family, etc that are daily parts of everyone's lives.

(Now, don't misunderstand me, I am aware that my hurts are nothing compared to the pains of many people. I'm blessed to be feeling better now than I have been, to be closer to the light at the end of the tunnel, and to be functioning at about 80% most days. For this I am grateful.)

But at the risk of sounding over-dramatic, pain can do funny things to your mind. It can make you feel self-pity, anger, envy, despair, denial, worry, stress, guilt, and frustrated. And, while I can't speak for my husband, I imagine that living with someone in pain makes you feel many of the same things. 

Today as yet another migraine began, I started to feel very "whyyyy meeeee????" and began to read the book of Job. Job complained a lot, his friends were only encouraging for the first 3 verses or so that they showed up, and Job's perspective of God was very much as a punishing God instead of a merciful and understanding God. 

But the interesting part is in the behind the scenes of Job 1. God asks Satan "Where have you been" (even though He knows) and Satan responds with his usual "prowling around" answer. God then mentions Job “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

To me this is shocking - it's like seeing a robber in your home and pointing out where you child is hiding. God's throwing Job into the path of pain, of hurt, of sickness, of loss, of grief.

WHY would God point out Job, knowing full well what Satan would do? 

We have 2 choices here: to believe as Job does at the beginning that it's as punishment, or to believe that God had a perfect plan for Job and knew that Job could handle this "trial by fire". The way that God speaks of Job does not seem like an angry Father, and taking what I know of His character in the Bible and in my life, no, I cannot accept this reason for pain. So, therefore, I must accept the other. 

This pain is for my good. 
He works all things together for my good. 
ALL things. 
He has a purpose for me, for us, in this. 
This trial by fire is meant for my good.
And He has counted us WORTHY to suffer in this way. 
He knows we can handle it (not because we are strong, but because HE IS STRONG in us). 

So with this, I say YES I AM ON FIRE but
Hallelujah, Praise the Lord. 
As the migraines flood my mind with pain, I say "have your way with me". 
As my muscles conspire against me and threaten to silence me, I say "here I am, Lord"
As my back spasms and I cannot hold back the tears, I say "You are still good"

Silenced

So I've been considering writing this post for a while and today, home from church bc of pain, sitting outside watching my husband plant a tree, now seems like a good time.

In September, as I was teaching my class, something popped in my voice and I immediately had shooting pain in my throat and voice. I also immediately lost volume and range of pitch. It was scary and weird...after a week of this, I went to Dr #1. We did a scope on my vocal cords and nothing was unusual. After a month of constant voice pain and limited vocal function, I called him again and he recommended me to UNTs speech and voice center. Scope #2 was emotional bc I felt frustrated that I had lost my voice just before this appt after waiting a month for answers. We saw diff things in my vocal cords this time, mainly large gaps and possible polyps/nodules - which they said could possibly get smaller, but are never healed. I knew that the wait list for vocal therapy was months long but my case worker is the supervisor so she said "I'll see you next week"

After more episodes of losing my voice completely for 6,7,8 days I was looking for another opinion. I was recommended to "THE" voice guy of Dallas and they got me a quick appt. without any scopes he suggested that this was due to a flare up of the cold sore virus which can affect your nerves and cause vocal cord paralysis and weakness. I got some steroids (which offered my first voice pain reprieve in 3 mos) and some cold sore mess (which did nothing).

More time passed, more pain, more loss of voice, my Vocal Therapist suggested a 3rd opinion. Doubtful and feeling a little jaded, we went, again getting an appt soon. Dr. Mao was amazing - he listened, he asked my WHOLE medical history and wanted all the details. This vocal cord scope showed nothing that we had seen months earlier (yay!) which led his to believe that this is connected to all my crazy neck/back/TMJ/migraine issues. He suggested that the chronic tension and pain in my upper body is effecting my neck and constricting my voice box and therefore causing this problem.

He said a scary word FIBROMYALGIA - and suggested seeing a rheumatologist as well as continuing my yoga, stretching, relaxation, massages, and finding some muscle relaxers. Basically get rid of stress and make your body calm down. Which is stressful for a Type A person like me - Relax!! Relax now! Do it!

This is where I find myself now. Often silenced, in pain, unable to sing, unable to talk in aloud restaurant, avoiding phone calls, wiping tears from my eyes, and a little scared of what a rheumatologist might say.

But, in the midst, I see the sweet hand of my great big God. Quick appointments, moments or even days with lowered pain levels, my servant-hearted husband, prayers of friends, puppy kisses, learning sign language to continue worship without a voice, His strength getting me through, His voice saying He has done this for a reason, He who hears me even when I'm silenced, giving me the ability to persist.

This is my prayer in the fire
I weakness, or trial, or pain
The is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame -hillsong

Top 12 of 2012

In true Letterman fashion, I am composing a list of my favorite moments from 2012. These will be in no particular order because I'm too non-committal and because you'd probably judge me if you knew I think getting kissed by a seal is better than becoming a first-time home owner.

2012 was an amazing year. It was full of surprises that made me feel like a kid, amazing "best day ever" travels (thanks to my husband's great budgeting skills!), and adult steps in life. Here are a few of my favorite moments.

12 Time with my Favorite Man

 

11 Talking with my Dad in the Hospital during my Mom's Surgery
10 Hot Air Balloon Festival

9 Being a part of Elizalde Photography's Amazing and Creative Photo Shoots

8 Ringing in 2012 with a Dance Party - What better way than Party Rock and the How I Met Your Mother song?

7 Buying a House

6 Going to the Beach (twice!)

5 Getting Kissed by a Seal & Swimming with Fish

4 Seeing my Best Friend's Newborn Triplets

3 Learning Sign Language & Worshipping in Sign because I can't sing anymore

2 Seeing the Mythbusters in PERSON! (yes I'm a nerd)

1 Seeing Prayers Answered by a Faithful God to a Very Unfaithful me

Happy New Year!

Adventures in Advent

December. Already.
I feel like I just rang in the New Year.

Much as happened this year, and much is still happening. We're getting ready to move, purchasing our very first home, closing is in just a few weeks. It's an awkward time to move - do we buy a tree? do we put up lights? How to get in the Christmas spirit when you're putting your house in boxes and wearing a sundress? (yes, you read that right, it's like 80 degrees here today).

Enter Advent.
I've never really celebrated Advent - nor understood what it was. I went to a church that explained it to the congregation, but it never "clicked" for me. But now that my normal holiday traditions are lacking, I thought whattheheck, let's try it!

My favorite Christmas carol is O Come, O Come, Emmanuel - and since Advent is all about remembering the HOPE, PEACE, JOY, and LOVE we have because of Jesus and looking towards Jesus' 2nd coming in expectation, it seemed fitting. I took the words to all but 1 verse and broke it into 24 pieces (one for each day of Advent).

Let's celebrate His coming (then and soon!)

happy :)

2012 has been a year for newness. New exciting, bucket-list fulfilling, moments. While watching the documentary Happy (which I recommend!), 

Rolling in a field of Bluebonnets
they smell so good!!

(us not pictured) Kayaking for the 1st time!

they mentioned that happy people are those who challenge themselves to continue to do difficult and exciting things. So, in order to share the HAPPINESS I've experienced this year, here are a few pics of my fav moments (including those when I've realized that I was making a crazy face but was too excited to contain myself):

Learning new things - ASL!

 

Unexpected time with family

Renewing my love for concerts - Cafe Tacuba!

Learning new things - Photography!!

A kiss from a SEAL!

Hot Air Balloon Festival

Political Unrest in Mexico - you need to know!

Yes ladies and gentleman, Mexico has their presidential elections in 2012 too! Their presidents are chosen every 6 yrs and cannot serve concurrent terms. There are many political parties and, while I don't pretend to be an expert in anything political (those of you who know me can testify), here are a few basics to get you in the know about what's going on south of the border!

The election: July 2012
The history: There are many parties. One party (PRI) was in power for 72 years. Currently the PAN is in office. Many consider these to be the 2 "main" parties.
The candidates: PRI's choice - Enrique Peña Nieto (EPN for short). PAN's choice - Josefina Vasquez Mota - the 1st woman candidate. She's currectly sec of education, which is why NO ONE should vote for her. PRD's choice - the controversial "almost" winner of last election Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador (AMLO for short).

One more thing you need to know - the estimated population of Mexico City is 32 million, young ppl consist of 30% of that 32 million. In mexico city alone.

This is where it gets good, people. 

Josefina famously said that she supports money laundering  in the middle of a speech. (listen for the words "lavado del dinero".  Who knows what she actually meant but it was basically over for her at that moment.
                                       

EPN is the young, handsome, and charming one, who's dating a celebrity and is currently in a lot of celeb gossip magazines.

 

He goes to a campaign for encouraging kids to read. He is asked to name 3 books that have influence him. He can not think of one. Not 1. He rambles in his political manner for a hilarious 10 mins or so - somewhat mentioning the Bible saying that he read a part of it one time. He is booed off stage and harshly ridiculed for months. Carlos Fuentes (one of the top Latin American writers) condemns him and says that he has the right not to read, but not the right to lead a country if he has such a low level of intelligence. *young ppl in mexico get annoyed*

Good hair doesn't cover up your ignorance.

EPN's daughter gets offended by all the ridicule. She says on twitter "hello to all you ***holes who are proles (low class ppl) who criticize". *young ppl in mexico are offended*

In an interview they ask him a basic economic question (how much does a kilo of tortillas cost now?) and he responds with "I don't know. I'm not a homemaker." ouch.

EPN then begins to brag about how he speaks such "wonderful" English and then makes a fool of himself yet again. He begins to be booed out of every campaigning arena he attempts to enter, he is constantly ridiculed on TV and radio (even clowns are making fun of him!!) ... *young ppl in mexico are agitated bc he's made it this far on his looks*



h o w e v e r

The media says he's strongly leading in the polls. Wait, what? The media says that people are receiving him with arms wide open and that he's a front-runner? There are many videos to the contrary, plus the police presence for his protection is kind of a sign that things aren't going your way. They discover that he has paid past the legal limit allowing for media coverage and ads/commercials. Hmm, something smells fishy.

For the youth, this media manipulation of the election becomes too much. EPN represents the political party that was in office for 7 decades! Not only that, but it's the political party that famously massacred college students who were unhappy with the PRI in 1968.

A student group called "We are the 132" begin to protest. A suspected 40,000 people show up to protest in Mexico City alone -- more states of Mexico have also begun to protest.

"While the media lies, we will continue to speak"

"Now WE give the news"

Most are protesting the media manipulation of the election.
Some are protesting the possibility of the PRI being back in power.
Some just want Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador elected (many believe the last election was fraudulent). AMLO is old and sometimes not with it (in the debates he held pics upside down and spoke slowly). He is much more left-wing and good friends with Hugo Chavez.

But he is intelligent and can be articulate when he wants to be. His cabinet will be made of top people in their fields (we're talking nationally recognized intellects) and I'd have to hope they'd help him out in his off moments.


No one knows how this is all going to play out - but I, for one, am excited to be there as it's happening! Revolución!