Navigating the waters

twisted.

2012-01-16T13:33:00.002-06:00

gaychurch.org defines sin as "the absence of love".

the Bible defines sin as a lack of submission to God's ways.

watered down so it's easier to swallow does not make it true.

more to come soon.

Shake it Out

2011-12-28T16:05:00.002-06:00

it's hard to dance
with the devil on your back

so shake it out, oh-oh

My kinder kids have kindergarten problems. She took my crayons. He called me a name. They aren't sharing.

Middle school kids have middle school problems. Fitting in. Wearing the right clothes. Puberty. Acne. Getting the class with the cute boy.

College people have college problems. What do I want to do when I grow up? Who will be my roommate next year? How will I pay for everything? Where is my husband?

It stands to reason, therefore that adults have adult problems. And I am an adult now, whether I want to believe it or not. (Not that I still don't question what I want to be when I grow up...)

cancer.
divorce.

miscarriages.

cheating.

hospitals.

My friends are going through these things now. And I'm hurting alongside them.

I learned a while ago that there are some problems you can't solve (shh! don't tell my kinders!). Some hurts don't magically go away with the right words and a hug. Some actions can't be explained rationally. Some diagnoses can't be expected or reversed.

Sometimes all you can do is pray and sit quietly by their side like Job's friends did.
Then get in your car, shake it off, and ask Jesus to take care of them.

it's always darkest before the dawn

Dancing in the New Year

2011-12-21T11:37:00.004-06:00

While I don't believe in resolutions (why wait til the new year to change what needs to be changed?) Javi and I have been discussing our health recently.

I'm a stubborn person. When ppl said "freshman 15" as I left for college, I decided I would NOT be a statistic and began to be unhealthy. When I saw that a lot of ppl fall into the "I'm married now" weight gain we decided that we would NOT fall into that either. I still for the life of me can't figure out why ppl gain when they get married (you don't just "let yourself go") but it really does happen. As I am not pregnant and have no babies, I have no excuse for my body to not be in it's ideal weight*.

*I refer to ideal weight not as a perfect number but at the weight where I feel the healthiest and strongest. When I do not feel like I'm carrying much excess and I can physically do all the things I want to do.

As I've been looking for some exercises to spice up my weight training/yoga routine I see some music playlists for exercising. But the music either a) sucked or b) was something I've never heard of - making it very unlikely that I would actually take the time to download and listen to all those songs.

So here, for you resolution lovers who are gearing up for a new year, new you - I give you some excerpts from my workout playlists:

Guilty Pleasure Pop-

1- Womanizer (Britney)

2- Since U Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson)

3- Get On Your Boots (U2)

4- Shake Me Like a Monkey (Dave Matthews Band)

5- Sexy Back (Justin Timberlake)

6- Single Ladies (Beyonce)

7- Ain't No Other Man (Christina Aguilera)

8- Party Rock Anthem (LMFAO)

9- Fighter (Christina Aguilera)

10- Say Hey I Love You (Michael Franti & Spearhead)

11- Don't Stop the Music (Rihanna)

12- Roller Coaster of Love (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

13- Cowboy Casanova (Carrie Underwood)

14- Hey Mama (Mat Kearney)

15- Dog Days are Over (Florence and the Machine)

Hip-Hop Pop Playlist

1- Yeah (Usher)

2- Fergalicious (Fergie)

3- Apple Bottom Jeans (Flo Rida)

4- Bon Bon Bon (Pitbull)

5- Rude Boy (Rihanna)

6- OMG (Will.I.am and Usher)

7- Shake Ya Tailfeather (Nelly)

8- Pose (Daddy Yankee)

9- Bon bon (Pitbull)

10- Fire Burning (Sean Kingston)

11- I Like You Just The Way You Are (Timbaland)

12- Abusadora (Wisin and Yandel)

13- Boom Boom Pow (Black Eyed Peas)

14- In Da Club (50 Cent)

15- Tonight I'm Loving You (Enrique and Ludacris)

A Little More Rock Playlist

1- Uprising (Muse)

2- Spotlight (Mutemath)

3- Never Take Friendship Personal (Anberlin -- really, anything from this album is golden)

4- Dismantle Repair (Anberlin)

5- Eye of the Storm (Blindside)

6- Going Under (Evanescence)

7- Bring Me To Life (Evanescence)

8- Coming Back to Life (Blindside)

9- Are You Gonna Be My Girl (Jet)

10- Crushcrushcrush (Paramore)

11- That's What You Get (Paramore)

12- Howl (Florence and the Machine)

13- 1901 (Phoenix)

14- Cochise (Audioslave)

15- Gives You Hell (All American Rejects)

my nose is froze

2011-12-02T17:34:00.004-06:00

In honor of December I've collected a few thoughts for you --

YOU KNOW YOUR HOUSE IS COLD WHEN:

- you wear socks and shoes in the house (if you know me, you know this is a big deal)

- you take the hottest shower possible

- you dream about taking a hot shower only to awake disappointed bc you're still cold

- you actually enjoy it when your 50 lb dog sits on top of you

- you wrap yourself in a blanket as you walk around the house

- you blow dry your hair for just a little longer than necessary (and maybe your hands too!)

- your dog sticks to your side when you do the 2 above

- you find an excuse to bake so you can turn on the oven

- you walk around quoting lines from 101 Dalmatians (when they were walking in the snow)

- you arrive at school and celebrate the next 7.5 hours of heat

- you thank God for your 15 min commute in the car and crank the heat up

- you volunteer to hand wash the dishes (hot water!!)

- you feel no difference in temperature when you open the fridge

- you sleep through your gym time to stay underneath the electric blanket

and finally

You brave the scary open flame heat in the 1940s rental house and finally turn on the heat!! Yeah!!

take a break to praise

2011-11-19T12:19:00.003-06:00

So yeah, the last time I sat down to write was about 3 months ago. What a whirlwind life I lead - but let me take a moment in the eye of the storm to praise the Lord for what He has done!!

JAVI IS A US RESIDENT!

You're probably thinking "That's great!! (but what does that mean??)"

- drivers license

- work visa

- insurance

- freedom to come and go in and out of the US as desired for the next 2 yrs

- no worries about grumpy immigration officers or cops detaining him

- a right to all the freedoms that you and i enjoy every day!

"Wow, Michelle! How did that happen?"

- We worked through the Open Doors Immigration Service to prepare a strong documented case that we are actually married. We signed a lot of paperwork and answered a lot of questions.

- We sent these documents to US Immigration at the beginning of August. Javi received directions to get his SS number, work visa, fingerprints, etc and then we received our interview date.

We prepared with our lawyer and then went to the interview. It was a lot easier than we expected and after hardly no wait, he was approved!

Thank You Jesus for showing us the way, helping us to do things well, and to follow your voice in each step. Thank You for preparing the way for us and for being so faithful as to care for Your children always!

dear lord, i'm a kindergarten teacher

2011-08-27T21:45:00.004-05:00

Yes, it's true, my faithful audience of one. I am 20 someones' Kindergarten teacher. This idea didn't really hit me until I was knee deep in children and head swarming with 40 parents in my classroom on Meet the Teacher night.

I was terrified. I dreamt all sorts of crazy things and prepared my heart for the worst. The first week has come and gone and I have survived.

Yes the first week is over and it was full of tears (theirs and mine), screams (theirs and mine), frustrations and giggles.

I am now a shepherd (see: herding cats),
an encourager (do your best!),
an artist (teaching the next generation to draw-- yikes!),
a singer (yes, some of my students have plugged their ears this week during my attempts to get the class to clean up),
a disciplinarian (maybe the 1st time for some of them),
a referee (that's mine, no, that's MINE!!)
a teacher.

hijole, gina.

***

Funny moment of the week:
We were practicing walking in a line in the hallway. As I told them to put their hands behind their backs, one of my students shouted "My phalanges!"
you can't make this stuff up.

getting your hands dirty

2011-08-03T10:10:00.009-05:00

Something about tearing up soil for new fresh plants always makes me reflective on the words of God. Maybe because He commonly referred to salvation and His love in ways that farmers would understand. Maybe because it's something earthy and natural - we came from a garden and it was a task of our to cultivate.

Either way - here's what I was thinking this am as I attacked my soil for the first time at the (rented) house.

When discipling (which is just a fancy word for pouring into someone who may be younger than you or younger in their faith than you) there are some things we can learn from our gardens.

STEP 1: Attack the soil.

This does not mean attack the person. This is God 's work and He usually does this before that person ever meets you - this is when He tears their world upside down. Sometimes gently with his hands He'll turn the soil over...sometimes He rips it apart with a hoe. Either way God prepares the person's heart for what's to come.

STEP 2: Clean the soil

Also God's work, He is the one who cleans us and makes us new. However, we can come alongside others and help point out where the roots of sin (anger, bitterness, lust, greed, pride, etc) are affecting that person's life.
Deut. 29:18b make sure there is no root among you that produces bitter poison.

Roots run deep and while they make look shallow on the surface, often they are tangled and deep, choking the joy that God offers us in our new abundant life.

^{Matthew 13:22} The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful.

Sometimes they are not easy to pull out alone. We can also get our hands dirty and fight against these roots with that person, teaching them to find their strength in God and to trust in Him daily to wage war against these things.

STEP 3: Plant the seed!

Speak truth!!

^{Zechariah 8:16} These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts,” declares the LORD.

STEP 4: Give the plant some love.

Not all gardeners do this but I like to add some Miracle Gro because I'm not the best gardener. Not every person disciples with love but it's necessary because we're all sinners and in need of forgiveness. If you do not love and encourage the person you're with you will appear condescending and although your words may be true, they may not be heard. However we are commanded to love one another and that this directly reflects our love for God. If you want to disciple, you must love.

STEP 5: Hope for the best

Maybe more experienced gardeners skip this step but as I seem to have a black thumb I know that I can do as much as I can and then leave the rest to the sun and the soil. I can't control the growth of others but I can entrust them to God. This is through prayer. Pray pray pray.

^{1 Cor 3:7} So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.

STEP 6: DON'T NEGLECT YOUR GARDEN

Discipling (living life with others), like gardening, isn't a one time thing. It's a continual caring for process. If you could plant it and forget it, well then it wouldn't be community. You must water and weed your plants regularly for them to grow, just like you must seek relationship with this person regularly. This is through accountability, continual truth and prayer, encouragement, rebuke, and time. Hopefully in time you with both see fruit!

^{Gal 5:22-23} But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

baking the elizalde way!

2011-07-29T15:39:00.005-05:00

Javi loves it when I bake. And when I have time, I love to do it too. There's something satisfying about making (somewhat) healthy and (absolutely) delicious desserts in your little kitchen and then sharing it with the one you love (or eat it all by yourself -- no judgment here!)

Since we are trying to clean out our fridge/pantry before we move I decided to bake a little goodness so here is the most recently concocted recipe, based on an AllRecipes recipes + elizalde style! I call it: Autumn Crisp (because it looks so much like Fall!)

In a 9x13 pan, grease and cover in your choice of fruits. Favorite choices - pineapple, strawberry, dried cranberries, peaches, apples. Sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar and lightly drizzle some vanilla on top.

(The original recipe mentions to add a splash of water on top, but I added some moscato because that's what I drink when I bake or cook for fun!)

(Another baking tip: You'll need some good music too. I recommend: The Civil Wars, Mumford and Sons, Norah Jones, Angus and Julia Stone, or Amos Lee!)

In a separate bowl, mix 5 tbsp of butter, 1 c sugar (or half white half brown sugar), the juice from the pineapple you added, and a 2/3 c of quick cooking oats (or you can do 1/2 c graham cracker crumbs and 1/2 c oats).

Add 1 c flour, 1 heaping spoonful of applesauce (this baker's favorite secret ingredient!), and a little more cinnamon.

Pour this on top of the fruit - gently mix and put in preheated oven (350 F) for about 30-40 minutes or until your oatmeal passes the toothpick test.

This would be delicious with ice cream but it's great morning, noon, or night just by itself! Happy baking!

casa - itis

2011-07-19T23:35:00.002-05:00

MEDICAL HISTORY
We are moving from our 1st apt to our 1st (rented) house at the end of this month. We are both beyond excited (for a garden, a back yard, a grill, more rooms to decorate, our own washer and dryer) but as with anything in life, nothing comes easy.

SYMPTOMS
this month has been hard financially and *thankfully* I got paid today... but then I checked the mail and found more bills and a red light ticket ::sigh::

I keep having these money freakouts because that's my big idol - I like to have money to spend on what I want to spend it on (see above: rooms to decorate) but not to pay boring things (see above: bills, deposits, and tickets). I want it for me. I want a house that's as nice and put together as my friends'. And since they all have amazing house decorating skills there's this competitive/"not good enough" spirit where joy should be. And instead of saying "I want this house to reflect me" it's becoming a "I want my house to be cuter than my friends'..."

DIAGNOSIS
In all honesty, I want all the "r"s. I want a bigger house, a nicer car, fancier clothes, etc... You know, the materialistic dream (which, for many, causes more money problems and repeats the cycle of frustration).

All in all I'm learning that my heart is darker than I thought.
I'm more materialistic than I wish I was.
I'm less content than I realized.
I'm more broken than I choose to remember.

PRESCRIPTION
Money itself doesn't suck - it's an opportunity to show our trust in God, to learn wisdom and stewardship, to bless others, and to live in a way that shows our treasure is not here on earth.

my treasure is not in a house. or cute straight-out-of-a-decor-magazine rooms. or in a number in a bank account. my treasure cannot be taken away because I am a daughter of the King. and my treasure is in Him.

EXPECTED RECUPERATION TIME
although today my wicked heart tries to cling to things of this world for value, security, and comfort -one day You will set all things right -jj heller "your hands" Until then, I have a husband and friends who point me towards truth and a sympathetic God who knows and forgives.

what is heaven like?

2011-07-07T22:24:00.004-05:00

[based of matt chandler's sermon "Transitions: Arriving"]

what is heaven like?
- fire and light (no more darkness!)
- protection (no need for locked doors, worries, anxiety!)
- refuge (no grief or pain!)
- a mystery now (we will understand completely, no confusion or questions!)
- treasure (the most valuable thing here is as commonplace as concrete or water here!)

everything beautiful we can imagine here
is but the fringes of what God has prepared in heaven

sounds great, no? oh wait, did i mention that GOD IS THERE?
God - the source of all goodness, satisfaction, love, wisdom - is there.
heaven isn't good because your childhood dog is there.
heaven isn't great because your family members are waiting for you.
heaven isn't cool because it's "all your favorite things"
heaven isn't desirable because of all the things i listed above.

heaven
isn't
about
you.
heaven isn't about you.
not
about
you.

It's a wedding feast, a celebration, a banquet celebrating our love for Jesus, who invites us into this treasure of a world with no darkness, no fear, no pain. who invites us to be forever with our 1st love.

so - if heaven is this great - there is nothing that isn't worth it. no sacrifice you make, no loss, no persecution that you face, no suffering that comes your way that isn't small and finite in comparison with f.o.r.e.v.e.r. with your love, where you are satisfied, loved, joyful, and protected.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

worship

2011-06-27T13:45:00.008-05:00

Worship [wur-ship] noun, verb

1.reverent honor and homage paid to God

2. adoring reverence or regard
3. the object of adoring reverence or regard.

4. to feel an adoring or regard for

Things that create worship in me:

different generations of my family all in the same room

green and blue

my husband loving on my family

Fireflies

Identical twins

Waterfalls (my very first!)

My grandma's yellow house

Old historic things

My husband's love for me

(and his photography talent! wow!)

^{James 1:17} Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
thank You Father :)

some things change...some don't

2011-06-14T15:02:00.004-05:00

Things that Change:

- I am now the newest Kindergarten teacher at my school. Mixed feelings...

- Javi and I are spending a.l.l. summer together. This should be interesting!

- We have been waking up early all summer because my dog's internal alarm clock says 6:30 am = potty time!

- We will soon be renting a cute house in the heart of Denton closer to the square! It has a backyard! Yeah!

- Paperwork for my husband's immigration status! *soon*

Things that Don't Change:
- Afternoon naps, berries, and poolside times still make summer the best season.

- We've been continuing our low food budget with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. Yum!

- I've been creating my own summer recipes - my new favorite is Graham Cracker Fruit Tarts (graham cracker crumbs, applesauce, sugar, cinnamon - mix and spoon into muffin cups - bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes - spoon yogurt and fruit on top! yum!)

- Summer reading is the best - so far I've enjoyed Same Kind of Different as Me and I'm excited to start Joy Luck Club and Savvy. among many others!

- My husband is an uber talented photographer! (and for some reason fb won't let me copy his pics to put up here, sorry!)

- God is still faithful to hear and answer prayers :)

A month of firsts (and hopefully some lasts)

2011-05-16T06:27:00.003-05:00

Some fun and not so fun things that have happened lately:

- Gave the TAKS test

- Almost passed out during the TAKS test, had to go to the ER for super low blood pressure – continued to fight this for about 2 weeks as my b.p. continued to drop randomly – much fear and anxiety as I prayed asking God to control the blood pumping through my veins…

- Got 2 new students – one who the Lord blessed me with for only 1 month instead of all 10 months (oh.my.goodness this child stresses me out)

- Maya grew a whole lot, lost her baby teeth and is learning more commands

- Went to happy hour with girls from work – I really am blessed to have good friends I work with, who support me and make me laugh

- Watched Pumas (soccer) games as Javi yelled at the TV and Mavs games as everyone else in Dallas yelled (Go Mavs!)

- RIP braces October 2009-April 2011 :D

- Went to Houston for a high school friend’s wedding (actually friend since 1^st grade although she and I fought a lot at first - she had glitter crayons and wouldn’t share with me!)

- Finished the “exciting” books of Leviticus and Numbers, started devouring Deuteronomy and loving it!

- Ate chicken cooked on a can of beer – yum!

- Felt really appreciated during Teacher Appreciation Week with all the candy, cards, flowers, and hugs

- Discovered Words with Friends – Javi says “stop playing that silly game!!” bc I play it a l l t h e t i m e

Looking forward to being the *hopefully* math and science teacher of 3rd grade next year! (i say hopefully because i still haven't signed a contract)

Left Maya alone for the first time - we're home now and she's acting funny (aka super sweet and obedient -- reflection post coming soon)

funny thing happened

2011-04-14T17:46:00.002-05:00

Yes the stress has hit the fan this week, as predicted in the previous post. It was heightened by my unexpected new student we'll add to my list of impulsive ADD-type students in my class (in case you were counting that's 6 out of 19 now). And then, l a u g h t e r.

When: after the dog park
Where: sitting in traffic
The scene: listening to Bob Marley with the windows down

Girl in next car: Do you smoke?
Me: No, sorry. (thinking she's looking for a lighter, although that would be awkward in traffic)
Girl: Not cigarettes?
Me: No. (geez, I said no)
Girl: Not the other thing?
Me: No. (ooooh I get it) ... We just like Bob Marley.
Girl: Oh so you do smoke.
Me: No.
Girl: Not cigarettes but the other thing.
Me: No.
Girl: But... how can you like Bob Marley and not smoke the other thing? *drives away very confused*
Javi & I make the drivers behind us mad bc the light has turned green and we're laughing too hard to notice.

Ahhh, only in Denton. (Or California.)

calm before the storm

2011-04-10T17:51:00.002-05:00

It is Sunday afternoon. one of my favorite times. currently i'm lying in bed (not feeling too well) with a belly full of my fast food indulgence (hey, i ate salads all week!). We broke our only golden dog rule and snuck her into our bedroom and Maya is sprawled on top of Javi awkwardly as they both lightly snore together.

*sigh*
the calm before the storm.

April will be a whirlwind of a month. Not just because of the TAKS test, every 3rd grade teacher (and student's) worst nightmare, and not just because of the countless meetings to have to scramble to get accommodations for students in writing before the test so they can receive them on the testing days. The whirlwind isn't just about work, although this does add to the to-do list. No, the whirlwind comes with (hopefully) some definition.

Tomorrow we meet with a lawyer to discuss our options as far as Javi's immigration status, current and future. We are hoping that now we have heard from the state of Texas that I do have a job next year we can get some good facts about our options. With gas prices going crazy we just can't afford to have Javi come and go every 6 months and we would love to have some extra income but can't until some paperwork is underway (or so we think...once again hopefully the lawyer will clear all that up for us).

Also I will hopefully be getting my braces off soon (not a moment *too* soon) and will be getting food allergy tested for the first time in my life. I know there's something I'm allergic to because of my recent strange reaction and my commonly swollen "Angelina Jolie" lip that comes and goes as it pleases. I'm a little nervous though because my mom is severely allergic to preservatives and because I haven't been able to figure out exactly what causes my reactions it could be something similar that is in everything. As long as they don't tell me that I'm allergic to fruit, wine, or chocolate I think I'll be okay ;)

I'm excited for changes, for guidance, and for light to shine on our path so we may walk clearly and with wisdom.

what we want, what we get

2011-03-23T21:48:00.002-05:00

Listening to Dave Barnes (love him!!) and chuckling at how true his lyrics are for my life right now...

sometimes what we want isn't what we get

sometimes what we get ain't really what we want

As you may remember I decided last month to begin intentional month-long prayers for javi, myself, and our marriage. March was for humility. God is a generous God. sometimes i forget this.

The rug has been pulled out from underneath me in several big life circumstances. If I were to list them all here it would just be overwhelming - but trust me, it's hard gritty dramatic life stuff. This has sent me into a spiral of reflection, reaction, and repentance.

It's a daily battle between my emotions and human thoughts vs God's sovereignty and control. It's a daily battle between my trust in the victory and sufficience of the Cross vs my unbelief.
And it's a daily reminder of Who is in control.

I am like the grass.
I am like the wind.
I am like the grasshoppers.
I am but a lily in a field.
I am chaff blown away.
I am nothing.

nothing.

I know nothing.
I control nothing.
I can fix nothing.
I can heal nothing.
I can save nothing.
I can assure nothing.
I can plan nothing.

God alone is on the throne.

everything we have, everything we've got -- it was given

ain't a thing we need that heaven forgot -- it was given.

"O God most high, most glorious
The thought of Thine infinite serenity cheers me,
For I am toiling and moiling, troubled and distressed,
but Thou art for ever at perfect peace.
Thy designs cause Thee no fear or care of unfulfillment,
they stand fast as the eternal hills.
Thy power knows no bond, Thy goodness no stint.
Thou bringest order out of confusion,
and my defeats are Thy victories.
The Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
I come to Thee as a sinner with cares and sorrows,
to leave every concern entirely to Thee,
every sin calling for Christ's precious blood..." (Valley of Vision prayers)

heavy hearted

2011-03-13T15:06:00.002-05:00

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger and need
My God is a God who provides

^{Jer 31:25} "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

^{1 Peter 1:6-7} In all this you greatly rejoice,
though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—
of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—
may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

^{Ps 34:1} I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

^{1 Cor 15:57-58} Thanks be to God!
He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.
Let nothing move you.
Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,
because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

this has been a hard time.
a time of grief and sorrow.
a time of learning how to trust on the Lord.
a time of rejoicing in the grace of the cross.
a time of learning about the Victory of Christ.
a time of refining faith.

You know you own a dog/puppy when:

2011-03-02T21:01:00.007-06:00

- Your blog is all about your dog
- You tell your students to "come" "stay" "sit" or "don't bite me" (that last one is a joke but lately, I wouldn't be surprised...)
- Your husband and you talk about the dog's bowel movements every time you talk
- You pray to ask for a servant's heart when the dog whines at 2am
- You become very clean only so the dog won't eat any of your stuff
- You find dog treats in your pockets while at work
- You bleed from over-zealous dog play
- You research all different kinds of dog breeds to find puppies that look like your mutt
- You have "dog" pajamas and pajamas you actually allow to enter into your sheets
- You finally make friends with your neighbors of 7 months (they have dogs too)
- You show off your dog's picture to any passerby who didn't ask

but how could you not adore her? she's just so cute!!

Maya

2011-02-21T19:33:00.003-06:00

Javi and I are taking that "next step" in our relationship -- we're getting a puppy! I've wanted a puppy for a very long time - (6 years now) and my super persuasive arguments and eyelash batting have finally won out. Saturday morning we went to the Denton animal shelter and picked out the most beautiful and (probably) intelligent dog there.
(sidenote: I say probably because we don't have her yet. But like any good dog mom, I have high expectations... that will probably be dashed quite soon)

Javi's dog experiences were with big, strong, slobbery, macho dogs who had lots of room to play outside. They were rough and tumble outside dogs that were fun to run around with. My dog experience was a 13 lb mini dachshund who loved to lie in front of the fire and bark at birds. So of course, our hopes for our sweet Maya are quite different.

I have already dog-proofed the house, used the phrase "that's not good enough for my puppy", and have fretted a lot about her training. Javi, on the other hand, has continued to repeat to me "it's a dog" and has lost no sleep over her soon-arrival.

Things are about to get very interesting around the Elizalde house...here's to puppy training!

the not-so-incredible-she-hulk

2011-02-12T12:33:00.004-06:00

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we can find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside...

it's been less than 1 week of praying for love. and i am so far from it.

whenever i perceive that someone is disrespecting me or frustrating my plans or not going my way i turn into this hate-filled angry person. hatred that sits so deep within me wells up and i turn into an animal going for the jugular with claws out. i'm so filled with meanness. i'm so filled with impatience. i'm so filled with defensiveness and rebellion. it oozes out of me, the not-so-incredible-she-hulk, more than love does (sure, i love my friends and family and those who love me, but what good is that?)

and afterward, when the adrenaline subsides i'm left with the memory of hurtful words, extreme conviction, and the knowledge that i have just glorified in wounding someone else. for something they may or may not have actually done. who wants to live like this?

...It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at every start (mumford&sons)

oh, Lord, teach me how to love!

sowing

2011-02-06T21:01:00.002-06:00

Unlike many a Denton wife I cannot sew. I mean, I braved the sewing machine for Javi's Christmas present, but I am not visual enough for that type of creative work. But I'm not talking about that kind of sewing -- sowing, as in gardening. Which I do not to either. (I'm a bad Denton hippie)

People often talk about gaining weight when you first get married. And while Javi and I have focused on keeping ourselves fit and healthy (despite what a personal trainer insinuated today at the gym -- but he can bite me), we have not "let ourselves go" in that area of life.

When Javi and I first started dating (or not-dating to be more accurate), I spent 8 months in detailed, intentional prayer for our relationship. I truly believe that because of God's faithfulness towards persistent prayers (and pray-ers) He has allowed us to walk in much love, gentleness, kindness, peace, joy, self control, and faithfulness. However, now that we are married I have to confess that there's an attitude of a "I've accomplished, I'm married, whew, I'm done now" in my heart. A very wrong attitude.

I've "let myself go". I have stopped sowing.

But today, I was reminded that we reap what we sow. And currently I'm sowing a love for How I Met Your Mother, instead of a foundation for a good marriage.

So here's the game plan - for the next 12 months I will have a focus of prayer. This focused prayer will be based on a characteristic that I want the Lord to produce in my marriage - it will be a fruit of the Spirit, a characteristic of godliness, a necessity of daily life. My hope is that the Lord will continue to bless what He has put together and that He will make it grow.

February is love. <3

new name

2011-01-24T17:47:00.004-06:00

Not just for my blog, but I now -legally- have a new name. Names are funny things -- in a lot of ways they define you, they dictate who you are and where you come from. Last names bring with them traditions, memories, and ways of doing things. Baby names are often given based on what they mean, in hopes that good things will come for their child. God often changed peoples names to signify a change in them that He has brought about or will bring about.

I'm an Elizalde now.
A wife. A new family. A new culture.

But, awkwardly, at the same time my name changes, Javi has to go back to Mexico and I'm here living as if I were still single. I've never understood people that complain when their husbands go out of town - I've always thought "get over it. you've lived this long without him. you're still your own person". In some ways there's truth there - but in other ways that's wrong. There's a unity in a marriage, intimacy, a deep "knowing" of another person. Daily life is new and there is a freedom to be completely you in a way I've never understood as an outsider looking in. So, in a way, as you learn from the other, you learn about yourself because you continue to grow and change. And all of the sudden, you're different. You're new. You have a new name.

Yet

I'm still Michelle. I'm still an individual. Javi does not "complete" me. I have my likes and dislikes. Things that stir my soul for Christ. Things I can do in solitude. Books to read, music to dance to, friends to laugh with, food to cook. My longings for my husband while he's away are not to define me or make me feel "less" but are to remind me that everything is temporary. Even marriage is not eternal.

I have a Husband who does complete me. One who never sleeps, always hears, and will never leave me. One who will one day be with me face-to-face. And even now I see Him dimly, I hope and long for the day when He will come back to me and take me with Him.

You've taken my pain and called me by a new name
You've taken my shame and in its place, You give me joy
You take my mourning, turn it into dancing
You take my weeping, turn it into laughing

2010 in 2010 words or less

2010-12-31T11:04:00.024-06:00

I love Recaps!!

January - I ring in the New Year with my crazy sister Rachel, being goofy and high on life.

February - Javier gets his Visa and I get the news during the school day - my students start celebrating, cheering, and dancing with me.

March - I turn 25 in the Big Apple with some of my favorite people. Javier comes to Texas, meets my family, asks my dad the "big question", and later asks me! What a good month!

April - Javier's first snow. I survive the TAKS test (this is huge).

May - Sign the lease for our new apartment, wedding planning in full force, ending the school year.

June - Day after school is out, I fly down to Mexico to get paperwork in order for the wedding.

July - We get legally married!

August - I move, spend some relax time in Tyler, buy a new car, and start a new school year.

September - I don't think I slept much this month... can't remember it.

October - Married!! Twice!!

November - Javier's 1st American Bday. Road Trip through Austin, to San Antonio. Javier's 1st Thanksgiving with the Eatons/Carters.

December - Stress at work hits an all time high; I cry. I get my first REAL Christmas tree. Thankful for vacation we go to Houston for Christmas, then to New Orleans and Shreveport.

What a whirlwind year full of plans, weddings, trips, love, supportive friends, new family, and the continual overwhelming blessings of God.

2010, you were good to me. Here's to 2011.

We are not unaware of his schemes

2010-11-28T21:03:00.001-06:00

Armor Up!

March in formation
battalion, we move as one
we fight for no country
nor for freedom
(they are already ours to possess)
we fight for love of our powerful leader
whose name only he knows

he leads us on a white horse
the battlefield is open
with no where to hide
it's impossible to escape the flaming arrows that arc above us
and pin us down with deadly accuracy

Lift up your shields!
Follow your captain!
He leads to victory and peace
Stand firm!
Trust his promises!
He knows all and never fails

Train hard!
Armor up!
Although we may fall, we will be saved
Fear not!
Run towards the front line!
There, the bravest face suffering with joy

Do not surrender!
Be strong of heart!
Soon the enemies will become footstools
crushed beneath our heels
Lift up the wounded!
Carry them on your backs!
They are invaluable and favored by the captain

Though night may fall
and darkness envelops
do not fear the invisible
for when we call out
a pillar of fire burns down from heaven
a light unto our feet
a wall of protection

As dawn breaks do not grow weary
Lift up your swords!
Strengthen feeble arms!
Let the name above all renew your soul to fight another day
that it may be said of you
"good and faithful"

The name of our leader is a war-cry
causing fear in the souls of our enemies
Armor up!

~me, 5/6/08

shady business

2010-08-10T20:41:00.002-05:00

I've always struggled with the concept that God loves me. or that He likes me -- I typically think of God as that family member who loves me bc He has to but not because He really likes me. I know this is not true and completely opposite of His character, so I decided to read Scripture to discover His loving character. And where better to start than in the Old Testament?

So in Genesis you have murderers, cowards, braggarts, deceivers, liars, doubters, passive husbands, greedy controlling wives, quarreling brothers, envious people, rapists, and did I leave anything out? Basically, it's shady. People are shady. There is no one who is righteous. Not one.

At one point I found myself getting so frustrated with God when I kept reading about how Jacob was tricking everybody and I said "God, why do you keep blessing him? He's so SHADY!!" -- and in that moment I felt like the metaphorical mirror was lifted to my face and I realized "why does He bless me? I'm so shady too!" - Then I quickly repented and said "thank You" about a 100 times.

But it just goes to show I have much to learn. My pride keeps me from seeing the ugly in me; and when that's lifted I keep doubting God's love. But how does God respond in all of this? Compassion, listening, speaking, teaching, rebuking in love, clothing, saving, protecting, guarding, generosity... He loves the shady characters. He meets them, wrestles with them, calls them out and makes them more mature. They become someone different, He changes their names. They die wiser and more aware of God's nature and person. They die blessed.

s.u.b.m.i.s.s.i.o.n.

2010-06-26T09:31:00.003-05:00

stephanie, i only hope my blog can be as transparent as yours.

I'm preparing to get married and with that comes the plans and details of two weddings, the details of the civil wedding, the premarital counseling, the book reading, the culture compromising, and of course the time with the Lord who is preparing my heart.

a while back He showed me just how prideful i am. i say this with a certain amount of hatred as i think about it - i think i know better than God and therefore i don't need Him. i wasn't praying unless i wanted something and i thought the Bible was too boring to be worthy of my time. praise God that He woos us back to Himself and doesn't let us run our own way.

let Thy goodness
like a fetter
bind my wandering heart to Thee

Now as i ponder the meaning of love, of submission, of authority, of responsibilities of marriage i realize that this too is a demonstration of my pridefulness vs my humility. Am i willing to submit to a man? to follow his decisions? to trust that the Lord is leading him and guiding him into what will be best for us both? Am I humble enough to bite my tongue when all I can think is "I told you so!"? Am I able to respect a human man and follow him when I struggle with doing so with a perfect and wise God? It's true though that this is a heart issue and that I'm not alone. The fall of man made sure that the husband would rule over the woman and the woman would want to fight back. I sometimes bristle at the thought of "submission" but it's truly because of my own prideful sinful heart.

The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

How beautiful would our marriage be if I, instead of clinging to my own way, submitted myself out of respect and love for my husband and we could honor and reflect God's way of doing life to those around us? How lovely would it be, how glorifying, for others to see a new way of marriage and to question and wonder about the ways of Christ! Truly our purpose is to glorify God, and to think that my humility (along with the work of the Holy Spirit) could be a catalyst towards the softening of someone's stone heart to the things of Christ... what an honor, what a responsibility, what a hard task lies before me and my extremely prideful heart...

This is how we know what love is:
Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.
And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

mercado

2010-06-08T12:47:00.002-05:00

I walk down the crowded streets filled with swerving buses, honking cars, teenage lovers on a bench, homeless men sleeping in the shade, and older woman congregating to talk. As I enter into the mercado (market) I am bombarded with color and sound - red, green, and blue tarps protect the fragrant and exotic fruits from the warm sunshine. The flowers are in full bloom and are being thrust upon me by the workers persuading me to pay $2 for the fresh batch of roses that smell so good my knees get a little weak. The reggeaton music blends with the 90s american pop blasting from opposing stereos in a decibel war; where nearby an old tired man sells parrots hopping from perch to perch. Everywhere I walk I'm surrounded by people offering me their goods and a smile comes to my face every time they call me "huera" (white girl) or "reinita" (princess/little queen). I walk slowly through this cocktail of senses drinking in the baskets of blackberries for $1, the perfect plums, the sweet oranges, the strange fruits that look like small cherries but I can't pronounce their names. The variety of chiles, red ripe tomatoes, and mountains of green limes catch my eye as my ears hear the squeaking of the tortilla machine, cranking out beautiful corn tortillas from the hand-made masa the old woman has spent all morning preparing. The cacti are being de-spined, lines form, food is weighed, people negotiate and coins are counted as mothers and grandmothers alike rush home with their treasures to feed their families.

(not my picture)

Just another day in the mercado.

my spiritual state is not so far from Israel

2010-05-14T20:00:00.004-05:00

Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands... He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years.

Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery...You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth...

timing.

2010-04-23T16:25:00.002-05:00

tick tick tick tick.

the whole earth revolves around this thing called time. even moreso in our culture.

school schedules are to the minute.
cars speed by as if running out of time.
calendars are filled weeks in advance.
friendships are planned or they dissolve.

and weddings must occur.

we are getting married twice, once in mexico city and once here in texas. (mckinney, to be exact). we have to coordinate flight schedules, work schedules, driving times, decoration times, and venue and photographer schedules -- not to mention legal processes and all the fun that that entails.

horror stories of immigration have been coming our way, along with many critical opinions about when we should/shouldn't get married. but you know what? the most important thing isn't their ideas of timing, nor ours. but the Lord's.

He holds everything in His hands.
He sustains everything with His words.
He plans every moment of our lives.

so, i choose to rest in His times. His plans.

peace in the chaos

2010-04-14T19:39:00.002-05:00

Therefore be strong (stable, established) in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand (hold up, continue, persist, endure) against the devil's schemes (trickery, methods). For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground (resist, oppose) and after you have done (have prepared) everything, to stand.

There is a whirlwind around me.

Of stress.
Of tension.
Of big decisions.
Of unattractive circumstances.

However, the peace I feel (when I pray for it and quietly sit under the Lord's promises) is amazing. Sure, my body is feeling the stress (especially in my back and neck, ow!) and I feel tired, but that's life.

All I can do is pray - listen - obey - and rest. In the obedience comes the rest, the peace, the ability to exhale. Because I know that I'm doing what the Lord is asking of me for this moment, for this day. And I'm depending on Him to help me do it. His yoke is light.

I run in the path of Your commands, for you have set my heart free.

In your anger do not sin; when you are in your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord...I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

He has shown you, o man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

2010-04-09T22:43:00.003-05:00

e.n.g.a.g.e.d.

2010-03-28T09:23:00.004-05:00

Yesterday Javier and I frolicked around the metroplex. Then I dropped him off with a friend for a "guys night". I didn't really want to share him with anyone but, I figured, if he's going to live here then he needs friends too. Plus he said something that made me really mad (later I found out he did that bc he thought I was suspecting and for some reason in his head he thinks he can make a surprise better if I'm mad when it happens...) so I didn't mind dropping him off. I was supposed to get dinner with the girls but I was so upset that I almost didn't. I called them and said "I think I shouldn't be around people right now, I might just go home". Ellie has some powers of persuasion though and said "No! This will be exactly what you need, some time with the girls!" So I went...

After dinner, Presley mentioned getting some ice cream, wait, no, some coffee, wait no, some wine. It was cold and windy out so I told the girls I'd get my jeans out of the car and meet them at Jupiter House. I was confused about why they sounded so annoyed, I had only parked around the corner. I came back around carrying my jeans and saw the girls just talking on the square - laughing and being really loud and excited about something -- but I was on the other side of the street and couldn't hear them or understand why. I talked to them across the street and then we started walking ...

What is that street performer doing? Why does he look like Javier?

Oh my goodness! It IS him! This whole thing has been a set-up! The girls knew! Who are those people hiding around the corner?

I walked toward him and he began to do a mime act for me..."Oh no! He's proposing and I can't understand what he's saying!!" (later I found out he had actually forgotten everything he had planned). So I just looked into his eyes, knowing that was enough.

(Later I asked, Why mime? Because when we met, we didn't need words to understand each other
- we communicated across the room with our looks and hand gestures, and he always understood
what I was thinking/feeling/trying to say).

He turns on the song "Siempre te busque" by Monocordio -- a sweet song that talks about how before he met me he was confused but now he understands why his heart was always searching for me. He acts out the song and gets down on one knee. Here it is. Remember this, Michelle, remember what he says.

(I remember but I'm not telling you :P)

I fish out a ring from the box of amber. Beautiful. Delicate - perfect - simple - not flashy - not a solitaire... exactly what I wanted. Beautiful! Our friends come rushing around us and I can't find my words - I don't think he actually asked me to marry him and I don't think I officially said yes until we were seated inside of Wine Squared.

Champagne toast with good friends. Telling the story for the first time.

Party with my loved ones back at my house. It's black and white themed. I kissed him a lot, my fiancee.

2010-02-27T08:00:00.001-06:00

15. There are a few foods that look and smell delicious to me. When I see them I think “I want one!” But once I put that food in my mouth I sadly remember “I don’t like this!” and spit it out. Unfortunately, I keep on trying that food and many a banana and onion ring have been wasted on my poor memory.

16. I attribute my stubbornness and frugality to my grandparents – I don’t truly believe
that these things can be genetic, but it’s still a better explanation than the fact that my heart is still wicked.

17. I have an extreme aversion to overhead lights. I am currently sitting in the living room with an overhead light on and it feels so harsh and makes my eyes hurt/strained/tired. If you are ever in my room you’ll notice that I use a lot of upward facing lamps and never turn on the actual light. This is another thing I blame on my grandpa; every memory I have of him requires him wearing a visor in the house because the lights were “too bright”. Genetic?

18. I’m a little obsessive about finding the best driving route to and from places I go often. I time different routes from street to street and drive it multiple times at the same time of day to find an average time it takes. If you were to ask me how to get from Point A to Point B I can more than likely tell you how, how long, and how many stop lights and stop signs you’ll come across. And I will definitely think of nothing else if you take the wrong way when I’m riding with you.

19. I’m a mini- hypochondriac. I love those rare medical conditions shows and House but since my nickname used to be “Weird Disease Girl” I get a little nervous when my body does something unusual. For example, when I found out my wisdom tooth was infected I thought to myself “Great now the infection will go to my brain and I’ll die. Good thing Pancho already has his plane ticket so he can be at my funeral.”

25 things part 2

2010-02-23T19:03:00.001-06:00

8. If you are familiar with the theory of multiple intelligences, I would tell you that I am verbal/linguistic, bodily/kinesthetic, musical/rhythmic, and intrapersonal. Being the intrapersonal that I am, I have reflected on this and find so much humor in it – see #s 9-11 for my reflections.

9. I am verbal/linguistic; I love words. I listen to music and think “what a fabulous word!”, “what a unique way to say it!” (I even have a list of favorite lyricists!) I can often put into words what others are trying to say. I love to debate and learn best through discussion. I love to write poetry but cannot write a story to save my life. I can’t think of an original plot line. Strange.

10. I am bodily/kinesthetic. I learn by doing. If I need to memorize scripture I often make up movements to go with it. I can learn choreographies in minutes but can’t do those “just feel it” dances. And I’m horrible at sports. Haha, really horrible.

11. I am musical/rhythmic. There’s always a song in my heart, I learn through song, and have often said I would prefer to be blind than deaf. I pick up melodies and rhythm in seconds but never really enjoyed playing instruments. I would love to sing – but I don’t have the voice. I’ve always found this irony frustrating and often times defeating.

12. I love to cook (this is new) and read. I’m currently loving my recipe book and get giddy when I can add a new recipe to it. I read in spurts- a few months of reading constantly, 6 months of never touching a book.

13. Since moving to Mexico I have realized how much I enjoy travelling. 2009 was the year of the travel (Miami, Mexico, Texas, Memphis) and I’m itching for more. It’s almost like travelling keeps me sane; it’s a stress reliever. Good thing I will turn 25 in the Big Apple!

14. I’m not detail oriented, but I do like to have a plan (not having one stresses me out!). I am aware that these statements are contrary but I can’t really explain myself here.

25 things for 25 years

2010-02-20T10:07:00.004-06:00

I turn 25 in 2 weeks. To keep me from a quarter-life crisis I've decided to focus on the intricate and unique ways my Lord has created me to be and is growing me. Below is part 1 of what I hope to be an interesting sketch of "who I am at this point in life" and all my weird quirks that I love:

1. When I’m reading a good book, I take it everywhere with me. It’s always in my hands, in my purse, or with me when I drive. Even when I know there won’t be a single moment to read, it’s with me “just in case”. In fact, the thought of not having the book with me causes me a little anxiety!

2. I wouldn’t necessarily say I am a morning person because my bed is one of my favorite places in the world, but if I have to get up, I can be vertical and alert. (Except for the few times I’ve tried to grocery shop after waking up – then I’m really clumsy and knock things off the shelves.) I don’t drink coffee or any type of caffeine (exception being a vanilla lime Dr. Pepper from Sonic every once in a while) and I don’t like the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable in our culture to be so dependent on caffeine that we can’t function without it.

3. I don’t eat fish or pork. My palate has grown a lot since I’ve gotten older and began travelling and I’m a lot less picky than I was… but my tastebuds still say “Yuk!” to anything that’s been in the sea or any form of swine (except for Lillian’s lomo which I thought was lamb and ate a lot of).

4. One of my favorite moments in the whole wide world is when I hear new music (a new CD) for the first time. It brings tears to my eyes. I like to hear it for the first time when I’m driving because I pay better attention to the lyrics. I can immediately tell you what my favorite song is, and it’s usually track 9 (which is weird bc that’s my favorite number!)

5. I am a teacher. It is not my job, it’s part of my personality. I taught my sister double digit addition before she was in the first grade. I love to impart knowledge. I’m still unsure about the paperwork and politics part of the public school system. My dream job is to teach people about Jesus, formally or informally, and/or how to read.

6. I am (mostly) ambidextrous. I do about 5/6 things with my left hand (write, brush teeth, detailed stuff) and everything else with my right. When I try something new I have to try it with both hands to figure out which one I like better (still trying to decide with tennis and hammering, I’m equally bad with both hands!). I also have had long nails since I can remember (thanks Mom for your genes!) and when a nail breaks I find that daily tasks are more difficult without my nails!

7. I hate the cold. This should not be surprising to anyone.

more to come...

light-hearted

2010-02-11T14:11:00.010-06:00

ringing in 2010 with my crazy sister

baking gingerbread cookies -- which later my sister decided she wanted sugar cookies :/

i love this girl :)

denton snow day

me and my denton family

sunset in denton!

capsize

2010-02-10T21:16:00.002-06:00

What a great word. Heard it in a Amos Lee song a few months ago and thought "wow! i love him so much more now for using that word!"
***

This command I entrust to you, Timothy, my son, in accordance with the prophecies previously made concerning you, that by them you fight the good fight, keeping faith and a *good conscience, which some have rejected and suffered **shipwreck in regard to their faith. [1 Tim 1:18-19]

*good conscience - Greek - to be aware of, to see, to perceive, to understand right and wrong + to be together with, union

Our "good conscience" comes from us being close to the Lord, being together with Him -> living in the Spirit -> being aware of and perceiving right and wrong and choosing right

If we neglect this "good conscience" - if we neglect being close to the Lord, being together with Him and walking in the Spirit - we suffer the shipwreck of our faith.

**2 examples of shipwreck:

- The disciples are on the boat with Jesus. The seas toss, the waves crash, they freak out and run to Him. He says "oh ye of little faith", calms the sea, and saves them.
- Jonah is walking/running in disobedience and gets on a boat. Tries to go the opposite direction. The seas toss, the waves crash, and he jumps off the boat into the ocean. Instead of facing God, he sits in a fish for 3 days.

If we neglect the Lord, we will suffer shipwreck. But, when we realize it, we don't have to jump off the boat. If we turn to Him in the midst of it, He bestows grace and shows His loving and patient character.

...meditate...

heavy

2010-02-07T09:47:00.002-06:00

So often I am reminded that this world is not perfect. It is not beautiful. It is broken and hurting.

My pastor has stage 3 cancer and 3 young children.
One of my best friends is walking through a world of hurt.
I'm far away from the man I want to marry.
A co-worker is emotionally separated from her husband.
People I closely walk with fight daily temptations of anorexia and depression.
The wall over my bed is covered with faces of those who may be hungry, cold, or neglected right now.
My roommate works at a woman's shelter and hears the stories of abuse and fear.

This week in my mentoring I learned something:
there is a difference between relying and hoping in the Lord for daily earthly things
(help me with this, lead me in that, teach me to this, let me do that)
and putting and storing up my hope in being with the Lord in heaven
(your blood and sacrifice that grants me salvation is enough and all i need because You alone are my ultimate)

The world sometimes hurts too much to make sense of it. Come, Jesus, come.

revelation

2010-01-31T19:46:00.002-06:00

Been thinking deeply about Christ and the Bride (the church). About the final days, when we will be finally with our Maker, our Husband, our Love.

awful things will occur before then. awful terrible things that i do not look forward to. the sun will turn dark very soon, your days are numbered when there's blood on the moon... the skies will open and He will come for us.

with anticipation and excitement, Bride is making herself ready to meet her Husband. the church is complete when the last person who will ever believe finally believes. then all the waiting and the longing will be over. we will be with Him. our King will come to free us from these decaying bodies, from hurt and suffering.

old things will pass away. the pointless things, the painful things, the past things will be no more. all things will be made new. the Bride and her Husband (the church and the Lord) will finally be together.

there's a longing deep within us. a longing for restoration. a longing for wholeness. a longing for things to be "made right". they will be in that day.

so the Spirit and the bride say "Come"

in response to my previous post

2010-01-29T14:38:00.002-06:00

I have found the stress-relief cure! Go to the Walmart off 288!

No, there are no short check-out lines.
No, it is not really as clean as they want you to think.
No, it's not been evacuated by every other Dentonite except you.
And, no, the parking lot does not have a space by the door with your name on it.

What it does have, however, is people-watching fun.

For example, the "little person" i saw today who bust out a Michael Jackson move complete with the hat touch, cross-the-ankles-spin, pelvic thrust, and rhythmic "hee-hee! ow!"

Is there anything more stress-relieving than laughter?

stressed is desserts spelled backwards

2010-01-28T18:04:00.003-06:00

So maybe if I eat a lot of chocolate this will all go away.

Stress from work. Things I can't change.
Sick. (strep?)

ok so that's all on my list - but still, if i was at liberty to share everything, you'd understand.

it's interesting how people advise you to handle it. yesterday the First Year Teacher Academy told me to "leave school at school" and breathe with ocean sounds in the background. some people tell me to drink (rum and tequila are readily available...) - part of me blames the fact that i missed yoga this week and i'm tempted to just curl in bed and sleep.

but that doesn't make it better. so glad that i have truth in my heart for moments like today when i went into the school bathroom and cried on the floor --

Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 115:11
You who fear him, trust in the LORD— he is their help and shield.

Eccles 2:22-23
What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

The One Where Chandler tries to end his gym membership

2010-01-24T17:07:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago I had signed up for a free personal training session at the gym. It's free and an opportunity to learn something - I def never wanted to pay extra for it. Hence the signing-up-bc-it's-free part. But as I sat across the table of the muscular, friendly trainer to hear him talk about his plan for me and how we were going to reach my goals I realized that this would probably turn out more like the Friends episode than I was hoping. (see http://www.friends-tv.org/zz404.html for details if you're not a die-hard Friends fan)

As I've thought about that this afternoon I noticed a pattern in my speech that tends to go like this

"ugh my students will hate me"
"the parents will hate me and send me mean emails"
"they're probably thinking this about me"
"what if he thinks this about me?"
"what will she think?"
"how will she respond if i say what i'm really thinking/feeling?"

aka I'm fearful and allowing my expressions to be curbed by this fear.

Being in a different culture and speaking a different language that you don't fully understand can definitely bring this about. When you are a white woman dealing with the hurts and prejudices that some have of you and your culture (coming to "save the world" because "Americans are better than you") - it makes you self-aware, self-conscious, and always on the lookout for the signs that you've offended someone.

Not that I'm saying we shouldn't be aware, be slow to speak, and think thoroughly through our actions and words before they come out... however

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe. Proverbs 29:25

2010-01-23T09:16:00.003-06:00

after a long hiatus from blogging in general, i finally feel ready to share my heart with the virtual world. and maybe, after some shameless plugging, people will remember this blogspot address and pay attention.

for now, i will not share any heartfelt confessions or deep ponderings on life - though they are soon to come - today i'll keep it light.

i suppose i'm completely adapted to life in Texas again. friends, job, routine, church -- the pains of Mexico don't hit me daily anymore, though I still think on it and smile.

last night i saw one of my best guy friends get down on one knee and propose to my roommate. i'm so happy for them.

i'm enjoying my job and the crazy things that kids say. trying to remember that my job is to serve them, not for them to serve me.

long-distance relationships are hard but i adore my boyfriend and i enjoy getting to know him more each day. he makes me laugh and challenges me to line up my life with what i know to be true.

as for the future, well - i have a feeling that 2010 will be full of plans, surgery, travelling, friendships, celebrations, new discoveries, and good wine... so here's to the whirlwind. follow along with me :)

blogspot or xanga

2009-02-16T09:27:00.001-06:00

i think it's ridiculous that even though it's just as much "work" (and yes i use that term loosely) to check my xanga as blogspot - everyone says they would read my blog more if i wrote here... even if it's the same entry...
which is silly to me bc blogspot is less userfriendly and has less options than xanga.
but apparently xanga is "sooo junior high" -- which is kinda why i like it, it's a true journal that reflects my changes, my life, and my maturity.

if you read this - write a little something and i'll consider writing here too...

i don't like to talk about politics

2008-09-29T00:37:00.003-05:00

i never win the debates (which i hate!) and i profess that there's much i don't know (and honestly don't care to know). but i just have to admit, here, with the safety and somewhat anonymity of the internet that Obama freaks me out. i get a weird uneasy settling in my spirit about him, when i see him, when i hear him, when someone even says his name to the point where i almost get angry.

i can't explain it. i know it's not logical. and i know i can't win a debate using my feelings. but i also know that God gives discernment. i know that too many of my closest friends share this same feeling (without knowing previously of mine). i know that many make voting about the issues and some might even say that character doesn't matter. but i think that's crap. if you can't trust their character then how can you trust their policies and plans to run the government?

in mexico a few years back there was a presidential candidate who had a cult-like following, who professed many socialist-like programs, and who didn't become president (and ppl to this day still cry FRAUD in that election). i like the man that won; i think that though the election could have not been fair, i got that same creepy feeling from the other guy and i'm glad he didn't win. through this, i believe that God can even transcend our poor election choices if we cry out to Him to protect us and choose who is best.

He isn't dependent on us to make the right choice for Him to intercede, to work and move - and politics is no exception. (although i think more ppl voted for the loser of the mexican election, God is not limited and put the one He wanted in that position). so that's my strategy. i will pray. pray for this country to not be blinded by any trickery, deception, and popularity. pray for Him to help us vote well. pray for God to do what will give us most of Him. pray for Him to come back - i'm tired of this place.

ps. i do now have some logical arguments that support and enhance my uneasiness, so if you want to know, i can tell you - but i am not interested in a debate, i will not listen to your opinions more than to my spirit, and i'll delete your comment if it's an attack. be friendly :)

anonymous discussion #4

2008-07-14T17:37:00.002-05:00

modesty.

what is it?

what does it look like for Christian women?

can you wear shorts, if so what length? what about spaghetti straps, sleeveless, tube tops, halters... and bathing suits? no matter what you do with those you are still half naked... where do you draw the line?

how do you set limits on modesty without being legalistic? do the limits differ for every person? what do you do if you think your friend is dressing immodestly?

(PS. guys, i would really love it if you would be honest and tell me what is a stumbling block for you or not... remember, it's anonymous!)

anonymous discussion #3

2008-06-26T18:11:00.002-05:00

i am reading proverbs right now and it talks often about wisdom -- what would you say wisdom is? today i read about how a "wise woman is a crown for her husband" (or something like that) and it just struck me... i WANT to be a wise woman. i WANT wisdom, proverbs talks often about the benefits of it and how "the fear of the Lord is the beginning" of wisdom ...

but what IS wisdom??

anonymous discussion #2

2008-06-16T07:46:00.003-05:00

the topic is: harry potter and Christianity.

is it okay to read/let your children read Harry Potter? is it too influenced by witchcraft and therefore "dangerous" or "demonic"? or are Christians too uptight on this one?

what do YOU think?

anonymous discussion #1

2008-06-11T17:14:00.002-05:00

there have been some things on my mind lately that i would like an anonymous discussion on. please feel free to comment and tell me what you think!

there's a woman here, an LAM missionary, who is fighting against the legalization of abortion here in mexico city. abortion is an issue that i've never had an opinion on (one of the few hehe) because i can see both sides (listed below) and i would like to know what you think!

pro choice:
i understand that a woman has a right to her body and should be able to choose if she wants children or not. sometimes rape or harm to the mother can be taken into consideration. is abortion something that we as christians should take as our own personal battle? is that not just putting our "moral agenda" and forcing it upon everyone else? what about the people that can't afford to feed the children they already have, do they have a choice?

pro life:
as christians and even just as concerned citizens we should protect life and humans rights, speaking for those who have no voice. all life is sacred and God has a perfect plan for each baby. abortion is inhumane and is murder, and we should not legalize any form of murder. there are plenty of couples that want to adopt so instead of aborting, they should give it up for adoption.

what do YOU think??

2008-06-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

after a long week i am back "home" ... steph and i pretty much walked in the house, threw our suitcases down, and fell into bed. now i am sleepy, it's stormy and rainy, and listening to the "once" soundtrack ... it's (almost) perfect.

the orientation went well - it was interesting to meet so many ppl who used to be me less than a year ago. nervous, anxious, with lots of questions and not fully understanding anything ... this morning we sent all of the newcomers home and hopefully they can get through their first weekend by themselves - i'm definitely nervous for them. i really like training and preparing them for their ministries and family life but i miss my kids so much. i don't really know what my role this summer will look like but i want to still love on kids and don't know if i will have a chance to see my compassion kids after all or not... i would also like some people to come with me and visit my kids ... maybe soon?

while i was gone, i celebrated my 4 yr anniversary of being a christian, which is weird and exciting. June 5 was a hard day but now i see it was the best of my life (in a weird way). it was a day of breaking, of everything i thought was most important being taken away, a day after a night without sleep, the first day of the rest of my life ... the day where God caught up with me and showed me my need for Him... these past 4 yrs have been full of tears, struggle, fears, anxieties, new steps, joy, the most amazing friends and mentors, worship, teaching and learning ... they have been the most beautiful of my life and i hope that God continues to challenge and grow me and i never grow stagnant.

i never would have imagined that night that i put myself in His hands that He would have blessed me a million times over with a family of hundreds of brothers and sisters in Denton, that i would be living here in Mexico on His behalf, or the fact that i would hopeful about giving my heart again ...

thank You Jesus.
(i don't ever want to tire of these words)

exactly two months

2008-06-02T09:25:00.002-05:00

for those that don't know

i met this guy when i came to mexico my first few months. he wants to be a missionary in the poor parts of mexico, is smart, funny, kind, a gentleman, he challenges me and encourages me, and loves Jesus very much. we started talking and hanging out and realized that we connected well and my directors told us that we can't communicate until august 1st (that will be 7 MONTHS without communication) and i can see him in exactly two months from yesterday.

it's odd - although we can't talk or see each other, God is uniting our hearts for whenever one of us needs prayer. somehow we know and can intercede although we have no way of knowing. i feel proud to know him, proud to know He's growing in the Lord, proud of the work he does for others and for the way he serves and ministers. i am so blessed and cannot wait to hug one of my very best friends again

61 days.

i still like xanga better

2008-05-31T11:28:00.001-05:00

but it seems that no one reads it anymore so i will duplicate my posts there and here.

stripped

2007-07-23T01:42:00.000-05:00

God has been literally stripping me of everything lately and while it does NOT feel good, this is the best it's ever been (if that makes sense?). i'm so glad for the Bible and for all the verses that are written on my heart, because Scripture is the only thing making any sense right now, the only thing that i can put my confidence in, the only truth that i can trust. it reminds me that

God is wise: He knows what is best for His children
God is generous: He gives what is best for His children
God is loving: He does what is best for His children
God is good: He is what is best for His children.

be at rest once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. [psalm116:7]

what your time and attention and devotion and thoughts are mostly on reveals where your treasure is - and mine is on so many earthly things. bless the Lord, o my soul, oh Lord my God You are very great... [psalm104:1]... if i really remembered this, all of these things wouldn't matter anymore. when i remember that Christ DIED so i could be with Him ... this truth that used to cut to the heart [acts2:37] ... i realize how far i've strayed from those moments when He was enough.

so even when it feels like everything i love is being taken away and life is continually changing and moving into new chapters -

This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD...
But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
[jeremiah 17:5-9]

welcome to miami (bienvenido a mi, a mi!)

2007-07-19T12:55:00.000-05:00

so i'm in miami for a training for Mexico City and i like the adventure so much. Florida is different, there's a breeze, palm trees, many cultures and languages spoken all the time and people assume that I know Spanish (which is awesome!)

new things i've done so far: walked to all of my meals, ate alone, had peruvian food (which was green chicken soup!), saw a shoe shiner, ordered from a menu w/o taking the price into consideration, slept alone in a hotel, stood next to men in their fatigues at the airport and suddenly felt pride and sadness at seeing the American flag...

here are some deeper thoughts from my journal:

"During the flight i heard You asking me 'if you never got married, would I be enough for you?' My honest answer is i don't know - but i'm not sure i'm ready for an intense converstaion yet. My stomach is full of chicken fried steak, eggs, and hash browns, and this soft bed and sunshine are lulling me to sleep. Maybe after dinner...

I can't ignore this any more. Would You be enough? Would i give up my expectation to be married? do i love and trust you enought let go? is my treasure on earth or heaven? Do I want to be devoted to you in body and spirit, without divided interest? Do i believe You are better?
I'm sorry for wishing for a different plan.

Sorry for begrudging selfish thoughts. My life should not be me living for myself but for Your Will - which is that You receive glory and that i am nearer to You. I believe these will come with Mexico...will i trade in my expectation of marriage for this?

In view of God's mercy, offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act or worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

If I let go is it because I want to obey or I know I should?

If I let go because I believe this is merely a test of faith, am I really letting go or saying what I should to pass this test?

Change my heart so I can believe You are better and so I can follow Your good, pleasing, and perfect will."

more to come on the saga that is life...

m.i.r.a.c.l.e.s.

2007-07-17T16:19:00.001-05:00

so i'm a bit of a control freak - esp when it comes to money. i have it and i want to keep it. desperately. so much so that i wasn't tithing or giving to missions - just keeping it... "in case"...

as God does, He convicted the snot out of me, forced me to confess to my hmgrp, then proceeded to make me teach the next 4 wks in kids village about money and how EVERYTHING is God's.

but then, also as He does, He began to change my heart. i began to rejoice when i got a check because that meant i could tithe. and He brought disappointment when a friend of mine told me her mission trip was already paid for, so i couldn't support her.

however, there's a big black cloud called Mexico City that looms $13,000 above my head. and the worry and penny pinching has been itching to set in again.

on this past Saturday I had a garage sale with things donated from friends...not only did i meet a woman healed by Jesus from cancer (twice!) and an Indian missionary disowned by his family but who travels and owns an orphanage (hit a little close to home...) - God supplied $906.25 for my trip. which, don't even ask me how, because the only thing we really sold was clothes.

this morning i checked my fundraising account that's online and (not including the garage sale money), He TRIPLED the amount i had had from only 2 days ago. tripled. as in, 3 times bigger. tri-pled.

God has given me over $2000 in the past 2 days ... none from my own doing. it's almost like He wants me to let go of control?

The earth is the Lord's and everything in it. -Psalm24:1

2007-07-15T22:15:00.001-05:00

I've been a faithful fan of Xanga for a long time and will continue to post on there, but I find I'm most encouraged when I read about others' thoughts and when I feel I can share my own... so I suppose I've "conformed" to something more "popular" ...

I write for 3 reasons: to get thoughts out of my head, to teach what I'm learning, to share my struggles and God's victories.

but today is a struggle day.

i'm moving to mexico city soon, for those of you who don't know, and my family does not support me. this has hit the fan this week and it's been difficult when God's response is :

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple...In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. [luke14]

a while back i went to World Mandate, a world-wide missions conference. i learned so much from that and i was looking back at my journals - i think it was the first time that i really wanted my family to be saved for their own good (and not just because it would make things easier on me). more and more frequently it resurfaces. more and more it begins to be reality - they don't see the world as i do. the life they live is so so so different. and it's starting to hurt more.

tonight i wrote this during worship:

"in a family that doesn't speak of You
a spiritual vaccuum
in a million similar families
You save one
and ask her to do the illogical...
there are no coincidences"

who am I, oh King, that You would notice me?
You found me
and You saved me from myself
for Your glory

He who has ears, let him hear.